


Reflections

by Laika_the_husband (Laika_the_wife)



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Anal Sex, Angst, Anniversary, Bad Jokes, Boundaries, Break Up, Bruises, Cheating, Christmas Party, Coitus Interruptus, Communication, Crushes, Dark, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, Eskild Is Very Pissed, Eskild is the Mom Friend, Even Is Not The Pope, Even is a bad kitty, Exposition, Future Fic, GO HOMO OR GO HOME, Hand Jobs, Healing, Hope, Hopeful Ending, Humiliation, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Isak Has A Flair For The Drama, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Light BDSM, M/M, Making Out, Masturbation, Masturbation in Bathroom, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Oral Sex, POV Isak Valtersen, Pain, Post-Break Up, Prostitution, Punishment, Reunions, Rimming, Rough Oral Sex, Rough Sex, Roughness, Self-Harm, Sex, Sex Toys, Sexual Fantasy, Shit Gets Dark, Smut, Teasing, Texting, Therapy, Tom Is A Dick, Twisted, Unreliable Narrator, Unsafe Sex, Webcam/Video Chat Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2019-06-15 00:35:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 30,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15401076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laika_the_wife/pseuds/Laika_the_husband
Summary: THIS IS NOT A NEW FIC.When I first posted the Reflections series, I had no account of my own, and no idea how things like chapters worked. With my sex and name change I decided to seize the opportunity to post this as I would originally have, if I only had the CHILL to like read some manuals or something.So this is my first SKAM fic, and it's the darkest shit.I won't delete the original posts because I want to keep the comments, they're awesome. You're awesome.





	1. Fata Morgana

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He started walking, listening to Even’s footsteps behind him. Fucking Even. Isak knew he didn’t do this on purpose, that it was just an episode, but he had just grown so tired of them. Every time Even relapsed Isak remembered how only a few years ago he had sworn to take care of him forever. How certain he had been, back then, that minute by minute would turn into day by day and week by week and year by year and then into forever.

Even wiped the corner of his mouth with his thumb in a gesture that was as vulgar as it was seductive when he exited the stall, holding a stack of twenties in his other hand. The man behind him, some gray cubicle worker in a soulless company, maybe a wife and a couple of kids, a mistress, who knows, sneaked away as fast as he could. His haste was in vain, though; Isak was not interested in  _ him _ in the least. He was just a tool. A device, a resource at most. At least for the rest of their rent money now in Even’s hand.

“Gimme that”, Isak grunted and snatched the money from Even. He counted them quickly. “Shit. We’re forty short.”

Even ran his fingers through his hair in front of the mirror. The sight was at the same time really annoying - how could he be so uninterested in their situation? - and super hot. Which was also annoying.

“He gave me all he had”, Even said calmly. Isak glared at him.

“ A discount? What, some midnight blowjob special, for one night only? Are you serious?”

Even blew a kiss at Isak through the mirror. “You worry too much.”

Isak felt his blood rush into his cheeks and turned his back at Even, pretending to be mad at him. Or half-pretending. He  _ was _ mad at him. It was his fault they were in this mess in the first place, and even though the heat of their love had cooled off Isak couldn’t just  _ leave _ Even. Not after all they had been through together, that kind of things etch people together no matter what. They weren’t Isak  _ and _ Even anymore, but they’d always be Isak and Even.

The fact that Even was still sexy as hell didn’t really help much. Isak didn’t want to want him, not anymore, not like this, but there were times when things just clicked in a way that he couldn’t stop until it was too late. Now nothing clicked. It clashed.

“You are a fucking idiot. If we don’t get the money - ALL of it - by tomorrow we’ll be kicked out. I sure as hell won’t go back to Eskild’s basement because of your --” Isak heard his own voice raise, his pitch higher and higher, and forced himself to cool down. Sure, they weren’t a couple anymore, but that was no reason to be mean and bitchy. Most importantly, he didn’t want to give Even a reason to call him a bitch. “I just..what are we going to do now?”

Even smirked. “We’ll just find someone else you can pimp me to.”

“Stop”, Isak protested silently. “I’m not pimping you.”

Even chuckled. “Uh-huh. You’re just selling my services to other people and collecting the profits. Totally not pimping me.”

“Shut up. This was your idea in the first place.”

“Mm-hmm.”

Isak couldn’t look at Even. He was right - Isak  _ was _ pimping him, but just to keep him safe. If he had let Even go do this on his own, who knows what would’ve happened to him. It was not like he wanted to tag along when Even did his..thing in these bathrooms in the middle of the night. He’d preferred sleeping.

“I’m not your pimp, okay? I’m your bodyguard.”

“And I will always love you”, Even sang at him, imitating Whitney. What a fucking bag of dicks.

“Fuck you.”

“Only if you have forty.”

Isak felt his stomach curl into a tight little knot. He needed air. He pocketed the money and rushed outside, into the cool dark night. His hands shook as he tried to light a match, but at the third try he got his cigarette lit. The warm smoke swirled into his lungs as a sharp contrast to the cold crisp air. It made him want to cough but he didn’t do it. That way he had a reason for his eyes to be watering up.

“You shouldn’t smoke, it’s bad for you.” Even spoke softly and the sound of his voice was just so familiar that it tightened the knot inside Isak even further. He  _ missed _ Even. He missed them, together, the times when it worked. But he wouldn’t go back. He couldn’t.

“Not as bad as being fucking homeless”, Isak snapped and spun around, to look at Even. Big mistake. He was leaning on the doorframe, his leg bent, his hip popped  _ just so _ , his hood on his head and his lips oh so fucking perfect that Isak wanted to die. Isak shivered. Then he pulled himself back together because he had to. One of them had to.

“Forty for a fuck is undercharging even for you”, Isak said. “I just want the money for the rent. Keep the rest as a tip or something.”

Even just smiled. That half-smile of his that only kind of lingered on his lips, nonchalantly, as if it wasn’t really there on purpose. And he remained silent, waiting for Isak to get uncomfortable enough to start talking again. It worked.

“Come on, let’s find coffee or something. This is going to take all night.” Isak turned around and crushed the remainers of his cigarette under his heel. He started walking, listening to Even’s footsteps behind him. Fucking Even. Isak  _ knew _ he didn’t do this on purpose, that it was just an episode, but he had just grown so tired of them. Every time Even relapsed Isak remembered how only a few years ago he had sworn to take care of him forever. How certain he had been, back then, that minute by minute would turn into day by day and week by week and year by year and then into forever.

But then the minutes started over again and again. And again. Even would quit his medication without telling Isak. Even would skip therapy because they weren’t interested or interesting enough. Even would disappear for days and then surface again without being able to tell where he had been because he had been so drunk, because he still was -- Isak slipped on a frozen puddle and just as he was about to fall down someone caught him and he regained his balance.

“OW. FUCK.” Isak grimaced at the sharp pain around his ribs near his spine.

“Are you okay?” Even stood close to him, his fingers still wrapped round Isak’s upper arm, and Isak could feel the warmth escaping Even’s body towards him.

“NO. I am NOT o-fucking-kay. I’m sleepy, freezing, fucking broke and now also in pain and it’s ALL YOUR FAULT.”

Isak had to cling to his anger so he wouldn’t cling to Even. He had been down that road too many times for his own good. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, it just was what it was. How things were. Isak slapped Even’s hand away.

“And don’t fucking touch me ever again.” He felt something warm and wet run down his cheeks and wiped his face furiously. “FUCK.”

Even straightened himself up and stepped past Isak. “Can you walk?”

Isak sniffled. Just once. “What?”

“Your pain. Can you walk? It’s getting cold, there’s a coffee shop close by. Free refills.”

Isak nodded. “Okay.” Okay, he could walk, and cups after cups of hot coffee sounded really good right now.

Even started walking and Isak followed him. As he looked at that still clunky and wonky baby giraffe move ahead of him Isak let his guard down just a bit. Enough for a tiny smile to slip through the cracks, unnoticed by both himself and Even. Like an echo from the past, that they could almost, but not quite, hear in the cold breeze.

The coffee shop was shady and quiet. The girl behind the counter greeted Even by his name and Isak couldn’t help but wonder how many nights Even had spent here, with god knows who.

“Two coffees, please”, Even ordered and paid with some pocket change. Isak let him pay for his coffee as well. He had deserved it. Plus taking a stack of twenties out to pay for a cup of coffee would be..he didn’t know, suspicious? Something like that. When the girl handed a mug for Isak he wrapped his fingers around its comforting warmth and followed Even into a booth by the wall.

“Come here often?” Isak asked, even though he wasn’t supposed to. At least he kept his tone neutral.

Even shrugged. “What’s often? Once or twice a month I guess. It’s the only place that’s open this late that doesn’t serve liquor.”

Isak chuckled by accident. “If you’d tried to get me somewhere that served liquor..”

Even smiled and nodded. The coffee smelled great and steamed piping hot and for a second things were kinda okay. They were okay.

Seconds tend to pass.

“Even, we are forty short”, Isak sighed as he sipped the scalding hot liquid carefully. “Where are we going to get that kind of money by tomorrow?”

Even leaned back in his couch. “You tell me. You’re the pimp.”

“Shut up!” Isak hissed hastily and looked around. Nobody seemed to notice. “I am not your fucking pimp.”

Isak wanted to kick Even under the table when he chuckled at “fucking pimp”.

“Even, please. Be serious for just one second, okay?”

This time Isak kicked. One swift kick at the shin the very moment Even grinned widely after keeping a straight solemn face for exactly one second.

“Ow!” Even yelped and pulled his leg back. He hit his knee under the table and spilled both their coffees everywhere.

When Isak watched Even pull out a napkin after a napkin from the dispenser at the table he felt how his heart cracked. This was it, he decided. He simply had to leave, for good this time. Like Jonas said, he had to live his own life again. Not this fucking limbo.

“I’m leaving”, Isak said quietly. He stared at the napkins on the table, soaked and stained in coffee. That’s how Isak felt, more and more, the longer he spent time with this Even. Soaked, stained, stretched to the point of breaking.

“Huh?” Even tried to catch his gaze but Isak kept his eyes at the table.

“I’m leaving. For good. I’m leaving the apartment, I’m leaving your bullshit and I’m leaving this fucking pain.” Isak took a deep breath. As much as it hurt, it felt also liberating. He had tried, and he had failed, and he had to move on.

Even sat there quietly, his fingers among coffee soaked napkins, terribly still. Terribly silent. Isak felt a rush of panic starting to spin at the back of his head. Fuck. This was it, this was the final blow that sent Even into catatony or spiraling madness, into the abyss, the black hole where even light couldn’t escape. And it was all his fault.

“Say something”, Isak pleaded finally, his voice stretched thin by terror. “Please. Anything.”

“Fuck you.”

Isak looked up, startled. “What?”

“It’s always ‘fuck you Even’, ‘what the fuck Even’, ‘fucking fuck fuck-Even’”, Even said. “Like I don’t already know?”

Isak blinked. He was getting lost again, maybe it was the lack of sleep, or the panic, but as many times before Even was running at a pace he couldn’t follow. It was like the synapses in his brain were flashing so quickly that all Isak could see was a blur of light and colours.

“This time it’s my turn. Fuck you, Isak. You promised me you’d help me through this shit.”

Isak gritted his teeth. He tried to remember that this wasn’t Even talking. It was someone else inside his skin. Inside his flashing, blurring mind.

“That was before my life had turned into pimping you for rent money you spent on two thousand fucking fidget spinners.”

“They were a steal! Reselling them --”

“No, Even. They were a steal, period. You stole our money and let them steal it from you. You can’t give fidget spinners away for free anymore, they were a fucking fad.”

“You say ‘fuck’ a lot these days.”

“Well maybe I fucking do! Maybe, just fucking maybe it is because my life has been so fucking FUCKED!” Isak realized he’d been shouting when he noticed he had stood up. He muttered an apology to the girl at the counter and rushed outside. He ran a few steps, slipped and landed on his hands and knees.

“FUCK!” Isak screamed at the empty street.

The bell above the coffee shop’s door tingled. Familiar footsteps patted towards him. Isak wanted to get up and run, but before he could get moving he felt Even’s hand on his shoulder.

“Come on. Let’s get home.”

Suddenly, as if Even’s touch had drained him, Isak was too tired to do anything but nod. He was still mad, so mad that it burned in an icy fire inside him, but it was too late and too cold and he was too sad. He just wanted to go home with Even, crawl into their bed and fall asleep the moment his head hit the pillow. And this would be the last night he’d spend in the same bed with Even, no matter if it had just been sleeping for months now. The apartment was too small for two beds and they had grown accustomed to each other, their movements and breathing, so it was a natural solution to just keep sharing the bed.

Isak flinched, startled, when Even wrapped his arm around him.

“You’re freezing”, Even murmured. His grip was firm. And he was so, so warm.

“I know what you’re up to”, Isak said silently. Defeated. A bit disappointed. “It won’t work. Tomorrow morning I’m packing my things and leaving for good.”

But he didn’t struggle away from Even’s side. His arm felt like it was the only thing keeping Isak together anymore. This, Isak thought sourly, was the reason he hadn’t left already. Isak wasn’t the only one holding things and people in one piece. Even wasn’t always there, he couldn’t be if he wanted to - no, no if, he  _ did _ want to, of that Isak was certain - but when he was, he was Isak’s fucking rock. If only there weren’t seismic faults of manic episodes tearing him to pieces, washing over them like a tsunami.

“I have an idea.”

Isak lifted his gaze from the street up to Even. He regretted that move immediately, as his sneakers slipped on ice again, forcing him to grab Even’s hoodie with both hands. At least Even didn’t seem to mind.

“What idea?” Isak managed to ask. He was pretty sure he didn’t want to know. These times Even’s ideas were always bad.

“I just remembered this guy..this creep, really, he messaged me a while back. Remember when we tried Tinder?”

Isak nodded. They had tried it together, just downloaded the app and created a profile to see what it was like. What all the fuss was about. Isak had thought Even had removed the app from his phone, but apparently not. Or he had installed it again. Whatever, it wasn’t like Even was accountable of his actions to him anymore.

“And?”

“Aaaaannnd I told him I have a boyfriend just so I could get rid of him. I kinda told him you’re my boyfriend.”

Isak sighed. The idea of being Even’s boyfriend was still a sore spot. A scab he liked to pick regularly. He waited for Even to continue.

“So, that got him even more excited. He keeps on moaning that he wants to watch me get it hard from my boyfriend, like, get it real good, so that I’d walk funny for three days..anyhow, I bet he’d be willing to pay for it.”

“WHAT?”

“Well if you ask me it beats midnight blowjob specials in public restrooms..”

Isak smacked Even’s chest with his palm.

“Shut up! You fucking..” He didn’t know how to finish that. There wasn’t a word for it.

“It’s the only way I’ll make rent this month.”

Isak wanted to remind Even that he had lost the money himself. That all this was his fault. The thought of fucking Even for one last time wasn’t that bad, but thinking about some perv watching them saying goodbye to their bodies, with their bodies, broke his heart.

“I’m just so fucking tired, Even”, Isak sighed. “I don’t feel like it at all.”

“I’m sure I can ask for the money now and deliver later..he’s really that into the idea.”

Isak shook his head.

“You are both idiots. Fine, ask for the money. And then find yourself a boyfriend who’ll fuck you for the Tinder perv.” He didn’t care. He had tried to save Even enough times to know he couldn’t. “I just want to go to sleep.”

Even took out his phone, his other arm still wrapped around Isak. They walked slowly because of the ice on the street. Even had a hard time typing a message and walking at the same time even when the conditions were good.

There had been no answer when they finally got home. Isak kicked the sneakers off his feet and grabbed a used envelope from the side table. He stuffed the cash inside. He went to the bathroom to take a leak. He locked the door. He didn’t look at the mirror. He dropped his clothes on the floor on the way to bed. He left his underwear on. He stepped over a box filled with fidget spinners, one of the many, scattered around the apartment. He pulled the blanket completely over himself. He closed his eyes.

Even’s phone beeped. Isak forced himself to lay still and say nothing.

 

The next morning Isak woke up as he felt Even press himself against his back. He was enveloped in warmth and familiarity and Even’s scent. For half a second he was happy. Then he opened his eyes, saw a half open box on the floor, remembered what was inside.

“I’m thirsty”, he muttered as he stood up and left the bedroom. He didn’t look at Even. He didn’t want to. He skipped and hopped over those fucking boxes into the teeny tiny kitchen and poured himself a glass of tepid water. It tasted like shit when he drank it. Or maybe the bad taste was just in his mouth.

“Isak, come back to bed.”

Isak almost choked on his water when he suddenly heard Even’s voice, low and seductive, at the door. He didn’t need to look to know that Even was naked, and that he was hard. Isak stared at the window, at the glass, at the pale morning light behind it, he saw his own reflection but it was as if he’d seen through it, behind him, the exact shape and form of Even’s delicious cock.

He couldn’t move.

Even stepped closer.

“No”, Isak whispered. “It’s over.”

Even reached under Isak’s arms and pressed his hands on his chest, pulling back. Isak gasped. He felt the fabric of his briefs stretch against his growing flesh. He felt Even’s fingers barely touching his nipples, how they hardened at the bare idea of his touch.

“F-f-f-f-fuck!” Isak’s voice trembled, his knees did as well. His body leaned back and when he felt Even’s dick against his ass, rock hard and so familiar, he froze. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t move. Everything he was, had ever been, pulled itself into that dick like it was a black hole. Beyond the event horizon. Beyond the horizon, this moment was a ship barely behind it, its shadow reflected against the sky. A mirage.

“Fata Morgana”, Isak whispered, so silently he didn’t hear himself properly.

“Fuck a whatnow?” Even murmured into Isak’s neck, just below his right ear. He flicked his tongue against his skin. Bastard played dirty.

“Fata Morgana. It’s..a kind of mirage. Where it looks like there is a city, or multiple cities, but they’re really not there. Like..like us. Right now.”

“God you’re hot when you show off your brains.” Even licked his magic spot again, making Isak let out a slight moan. “Come to bed.”

Isak was so hard he ached. He felt the cold floor under his feet, how his toes curled against the linoleum, the light near invisible hair on Even’s thighs tickling against his, barely touching. Even’s chest against his back, his hands on his stomach, traveling slowly, slowly lower. He gasped sharply when he felt Even’s fingertips stroking against his hard dick through his briefs.

“You’re wet”, Even chuckled, rubbing lightly at the stain at the tip of Isak’s cock. “Come on. I want you so bad.”

Isak blushed fiercely at Even’s observation. His toes curled tighter, gripping the floor.

“What do you want?”

“I want you, Isak Valtersen”, Even said, his voice husky. He ran his fingers along Isak’s dick. “I want you inside me.”

If Even had ever known something, it was what Isak wanted to hear. He needed to hear the despair in Even’s plea, hear how much Even wanted him. Not only needed him, but  _  wanted _ him.

“Well”, Isak muttered and licked his lips slowly. “Even Bech Næsheim, why are you still standing here?”

Isak turned around as Even let go of him. He was indeed naked, and rock hard, and when Isak saw how he looked at him the last bits of his resistance melted away.

“Well?” Isak raised his eyebrow. “Chop chop.”

“Yessir”, Even smirked and hopped to the bedroom. Isak followed him, making sure he kept his eyes on that glorious ass instead of, say, boxes of fidget spinners ruining the mood.

Even laid down on the bed, on his back, and looked at Isak. He devoured him with his eyes, beckoning him to undress completely. Isak was happy to comply. The way Even’s lips parted just a little when he saw Isak’s hard-on was delicious.

“Do you want to taste it?” Isak’s voice was lower than usual, softer. He spoke his lines, the ones he knew by heart, he knew this dance and was willing to go through it one last time. Even nodded, saying nothing, parted his lips slightly more.

Isak crawled on the bed and over Even. He knew that Even loved sucking him with him sitting on his chest, straddling him between his thighs. Isak saw Even shiver with anticipation. It was so fucking hot it made his cock throb.

“Go on, then”, Isak said as he lowered himself on Even’s chest. He was careful to not push down too hard so Even could breathe, and he tilted his hips so that Even could reach him with his luscious lips. When Isak felt them on his dick, fumbling at it, he let out a soft sigh.

Even ran his mouth up and down Isak’s hard cock. Nibbling at it, flicking his tongue, tracing it with his lips from the root to the tip. Isak let him tease it, make him drip even more, until he couldn’t take it.

“For fuck’s sake just suck it already!” Isak cried out. Even smirked, pleased with himself, closed his eyes and obeyed.

Even lifted his arms above his head, crossing his wrists. Isak grabbed them tightly, pressing down, leaning on his hand like he had captured Even under him, forcing him to stay still. Even moaned with his mouth full of Isak’s dick, sucking him harder. It felt so fucking good that Isak almost wanted to cry. He had missed Even’s smooth silky slippery mouth so much. Watching his perfect plump lips embrace his hard cock made Isak moan.

Isak grabbed Even’s hair with his free hand.

“Suck it, bitch”, he muttered and forced himself deeper. Even moaned again, delighted. He squirmed under Isak who just tightened the grip of his thighs, his fingers, capturing Even as his. Even stroked him with his tongue, sucked him so hard, it was fucking perfect and Isak wanted it to last forever.

He wouldn’t last forever. He wanted to cum, so badly. He wanted to squirt Even’s mouth so full it came out of his nose. But he wasn’t done with him yet.

“Stop”; Isak gasped, pulling Even back from his hair. He slid down on his chest, out of Even’s reach, panting. “I want to fuck you.”

If Even had wanted to protest losing his cock so suddenly, now he was back in the mood. He licked his lips enthusiastically and spread his legs apart.

“Then do it. Do me.”

“Turn over.” Isak climbed off Even and rummaged through the pile of stuff on the nightstand. He found the condoms but discarded them and grabbed just the lube. Even was his bitch now and bitches were ridden bareback.

“Spread ‘em”, Isak commanded while he lubed his index finger. Even let out an enthusiastic squeal and obeyed. He spread his knees, arched his back and reached his hands around, grabbing his cheeks and pulling them apart for Isak. He saw that Even had scrubbed himself sparkling clean for him, as he had known..of course he had known. And now Isak was too far in to care.

Even moaned softly when Isak inserted his finger into his tight little hole. He pushed in deeper, firmly, forcing him to take it. Even whimpered into the sheets as he found his sweet spot and pushed down on it harder.

“You whiny little bitch”, Isak said gently as he pulled back and pushed back inside, faster. Even whimpered and whined more, completely turned on by Isak’s fingers and words. He rocked his ass slightly, inviting, asking for more. Isak added some more lube and gave it to him. He shoved two fingers all the way into him, making him cry out.

“Yes! Oh fuck yes I’m your bitch..fuck me with your fingers, harder, please Isak please fuck me..”

How could Isak resist when Even begged like that? Not a chance. So he did as he was asked, he moved his fingers inside and out, apart and together, bent and straightened again, all the while stretching Even’s tightness out for him. Even gasped and moaned in turn, and that made Isak’s dick so hard it was about to explode any second. He had planned to use three fingers but he couldn’t wait a second more.

Isak lubed himself quickly and mounted Even. He groaned as he pushed inside his ex-lover, his little bitch, feeling his little hole slowly succumb and give in to his dick. Even whimpered and whined under him, legs shaking, but he kept his ass perked up for him to conquer. Isak gasped when his tip finally went in. Even felt every bit as good as he had remembered. Every inch of him felt amazing as he pushed deeper inside.

“Ow..” Even whispered. Isak almost stopped, but Even told him to go on. Isak wasn’t sure if he really would have stopped, but he decided to not think about it. There was no room for that thought inside his feverish mind. All there was left was the urge to push further, deeper, harder. Pure instinct.

“Fuck, Isak..fuck me. Fuck me!”

Isak grabbed Even’s hips and pulled them against his. He felt Even’s trembling thighs against his, saw Even’s body bent in front of him. It was so fucking good. The way Even’s body just gave in when Isak started claiming it as his, one furious thrust after another.

He made Even howl in pain and passion. He made himself moan and cry. He ravished the young man on the bed, in every sense, every possible way. And he loved every second of it so much, all the while knowing for certain that this was it. This was their last time.

He didn’t touch Even’s cock. Bitches are to be fucked, not pleased. When Even fumbled for himself Isak barked at him, forbidding, no. This was not for Even. This was for him. This was his last round, his revenge, his retribution. His payback for every shitty thing Even had made him go through. The power of this fuck consumed every last bit of love and sense in him. It all burned away in this fire.

Isak’s scream curled inside his throat when he came inside Even. He came hard, so hard he blacked out for a split second, he felt how he squirted into Even’s ass again and again and then collapsed on top of him. Breathless. Senseless. Emotionless.

When Isak opened his eyes he saw it. A small red blink at the corner of his eye. He raised his head and turned to look at it. It was a camera. A webcam, hidden in a pile of dirty clothes. And it was on.

Even was still on his stomach, his back to Isak, he didn’t see his face. He moaned repeatedly, lifting his hips toward Isak, begging for more. Isak felt the last kindles of love for Even snuff out. It was, finally, completely over.

“Don’t call me. Ever. Don’t come near me, don’t let me see you, don’t fucking get up or I swear to God I’ll..” Isak didn’t know how to finish. Even didn’t move. Isak’s voice was like ice and the whole room had turned into a freezer. Isak saw the goosebumps on Even’s shoulder blades. He wanted to peel them off with a grater.

Even staid still on the bed as Isak got up and pulled his briefs on. He got dressed quickly, his back turned on the camera that had just made the missing rent money.

“Isak, I just..I know you’re shy. But now it’s done and we can pay the rent.”

Isak froze at Even’s voice. It was.. Even wasn’t the least ashamed. He didn’t repent one bit. He thought he had done right, done Isak a favor. He thought Isak was being  _ unreasonable _ .

“Never, Even. I don’t want to hear from you ever again. I keep my friends, they were mine before your shit.” Isak was surprised at his own calmness. He had expected tears. He had expected shouting and throwing things. But he was just numb.

“I’ll send someone to get my things tomorrow. Don’t be home.”

Isak heard Even get up when he was pulling his shoes on. So he grabbed the other one and left, with only one shoe on. He ran down the stairs and out the door, into the cold crisp morning air. He stopped after a couple of blocks to put the other sneaker on and then kept going. He didn’t know where he was headed. But he did know where he would never return.

He had tried. So hard. But nobody can love somebody else into happiness and health, and most forevers end short. As each step took Isak further away from his past he felt more and more free. It was finally over. Maybe one day he could be friends with Even again, or at least try to help him, but now, after a very long time, it was time for him to help himself.

Isak’s phone rang in his pocket. He stopped and pulled it out.

Even CALLING


	2. Fantasy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was afterwards that he remorsed. When he returned home to his crappy apartment, washed away Even’s scent from his skin in a shower that was either so hot it nearly scalded him or so cold that his teeth chattered when he stepped out. Even had been punished, Isak had been punished, their sins were atoned for and Isak could finally sleep through a whole night again.

There was a story Isak liked telling himself.

 

There was a boy. A strange, enchanted, wonderful and terrible boy, who walked into Isak’s life without asking for permission, made him fall for him, and they were very happy for a while. There were rough times, but they made it through together, forged stronger by each disaster they faced. He made Isak’s life better, and he made it worse, and Isak supposed he did the same to him. Love was a two way street, after all.

The ending of the story depended on Isak’s mood. Most of the times it ended softly, a slow erosion gnawing at their foundation until there was nothing left to build on. Sometimes it ended with an explosion, a bang so loud that they both got injuries for life.

Sometimes it never really ended at all.

One element still stayed the same, every time. In this story Isak had tried his best, given his all, and it had not been enough to heal Even. To change him, to reform him. This story had no heroes, no saviours, but a good deal of victims. When Isak told the story to himself, stroking the pieces of his shattered heart, he made sure he remembered how wrongly he had been treated for years, over and over again. He had to, or else he’d remembered only the good and wanted to go back.

Even then he struggled. Isak had left, he had erased Even’s number from his phone and unfriended him on everything he could. He had moved from couch to couch, going through his list of friends, until he had finally managed to save enough money to make a deposit for a place of his own.

He did know Even’s number by heart. He had called him occasionally during the months after the break up. He’d feel lonely, or sad, or bad or worthless, he’d call Even, go to their - Even’s - apartment and fuck him, get dressed and leave. He didn’t tell Even where he lived. He didn’t answer if Even called. He didn’t let Even kiss him. He felt like an asshole about it, but he reminded himself that Even had hurt him so many times, so badly, that this was  _ so small _ compared to all his shit. Plus Even didn’t have to say yes. He never said no, and at times Isak thought that Even punished himself by letting him in, and those times he told himself that it was what he deserved.

It was afterwards that he remorsed. When he returned home to his crappy apartment, washed away Even’s scent from his skin in a shower that was either so hot it nearly scalded him or so cold that his teeth chattered when he stepped out. Even had been punished, Isak had been punished, their sins were atoned for and Isak could finally sleep through a whole night again.

When Isak met Tom he stopped calling Even. He wrote dozens of texts he never sent. “I’ve met someone.” “I’m in love.” “I’m sorry.” Isak could only hope that Even had figured out why he never contacted him again. He could only hope Even was okay.

Isak had fallen for Tom the first time he met him. It wasn’t about his looks. He really wasn’t Isak’s type in appearance - well, he wasn’t sure he  _ had _ a type, but with a population of 1 in guys Isak had fallen for the physical properties of a guy were vastly different from Tom’s - but when Eskild and his posse had met Isak by chance at a club and this olive skinned, green eyed guy with a V-shaped torso had just wrapped his well toned arms around Isak like it was the most natural thing in the world, hugging him with such power, Isak had felt his heart flutter for the first time in years. It was the hug, he’d tell Tom later when they laid together on the couch watching TV. Isak had never been hugged like that, especially by a stranger. It had felt like Tom would never let anything happen to him. It had felt like neverending kindness and safety.

Tom was like that with everyone he met. Everybody loved him, some more than as a friend, but nobody seemed to long for him like Isak did. Isak was sure Tom had noticed his intense crush, and he did hang out with him and Eskild and some other friends quite often, but he never gave away any clues or signs of him being interested in Isak.

It felt bittersweet. Isak was unhappily in love, and that stroked his inner darkness in a most wonderful way. He felt like he wasn’t worthy of this radiating star of warmth and kindness. He knew that there must’ve been more to Tom than that, that he must’ve had his own dark sides and baggage, but as he basked in Tom’s glow he found it so easy to forget.

“You do know he’s like Even”, Eskild enquired once after Tom had left and Isak started going on and on about him like a teenage girl in love with her pop idol.

“He’s  _ nothing _ like Even!” Isak snapped.

Eskild looked at him for a long time, silently. There was  sadness in his eyes that made it hard for Isak to look into them, but he did.

“Don’t get me wrong”, Eskild continued. “Tom is great. And he’s definitely good for you. It’s good to see you smile like that again. But he  _ is _ like Even was when you first started your thing. You have a type, and that’s okay, but..just be careful, Isak, okay?”

Isak glared at Eskild.

“Are you trying to tell me that he’s insane as well?”

“Oh for fuck’s sake Isak,  _ I get it _ . You were hurt. You were in pieces. But I’m sick of you talking like that about someone who loved you with everything he had. It’s not his fault that it wasn’t enough for you.”

Isak’s eyes grew dark.

“Go fuck yourself”, he growled as he stood up and marched to get his coat. Fucking asshole. He was just starting to piece together his heart, shattered by the mess that was Even, and now Eskild claimed that everything was somehow his fault. Eskild didn’t know half of Even’s shit. And if Isak told him now, he’d just prove Eskild’s point of him being a needy whiny bitch. Fuck.

Isak rushed outside, not listening to Eskild anymore. He didn’t need this, not now, not ever. He’d find new friends, better friends, people who’d be on his side no matter what. He’d never had that kind of a person in his life, not really.

The walk was longer than Isak would’ve liked. It was cold, and late, and his sneakers kept slipping on the icy streets. His toes were also freezing, but this was his only pair with no holes in their soles. Pick your poison. So, as Isak finally reached his house and searched his pockets for keys in vain, he was not a happy camper.

“Shit”, he hissed, reaching for his phone in his breast pocket. Also nothing. Double shit. Isak yanked at the door but it remained locked and shut. There were no lights on in the first floor apartments. Nor the second floor, and that was as high as he could risk throwing a snowball or something without having to worry about broken windows.

The idea of the long walk back to Kollektivet was not appealing at all. Having to face Eskild after the fight was even less so. But there wasn’t many options either. Isak turned around and started walking.

He made it about half a block when he heard a car pull over, the door open and someone call his name. He turned around and saw Tom, by a taxi, in front of his house.

“Isak! I have your keys!” Tom shouted and raised his hand, dangling the keychain in his fingers. Isak jogged to him, beaming.

“You’re a lifesaver, Tom”, he said and pulled his wallet out. “How much for the cab?” He couldn’t afford it, but it was only fair.

“I’ll take care of it”, Tom answered. “You’ll pay next time.”

Isak took the keys Tom was holding. They were still warm from being in his pocket. As Isak took them he touched Tom’s hand accidentally, and as Tom grabbed his hand Isak’s heart skipped a beat.

“Ice cold”, Tom said, wrapping his warm fingers around Isak’s. “You need to dress better for the weather.”

Tom reached his other hand out and touched Isak’s earlobe. Isak was sure he would just die there and then.

“That’s it”, Tom stated as he let go of Isak. “Mom is knitting you a hat and mittens for Christmas.” Tom looked down at Isak’s feet. “And a pair of socks.”

“What?” Isak half-peeped, half-laughed. All strength of his voice had disappeared somewhere.

“Socks. Your feet must be freezing. My mom knits about 24/7, it’s no trouble.”

Isak nodded, mute. Nobody had ever knit anything for him before. And his feet indeed were numb by now.

“See you around, then”, Tom said and handed Isak his phone as well. “Good night.”

“Me too. Thanks.” Isak shook his head to snap out of his daze. “I mean thank you for bringing these. Good night.”

Tom laughed and Isak wanted to die again, bathing in that wonderful sound. Then Tom stepped back into the car and it drove off. Isak was left standing there, cold and alone and kind of miserable again.

At least he could get inside now. And at least his apartment was warm. It was small and pretty shitty, but the heating worked. Isak took off his shoes and coat, grabbed a blanket and curled up under it on the couch, phone in his hand. He opened Instagram and looked up Tom’s profile. He liked taking selfies, and he posted them often. He had asked recently if Isak used the app, but he had panicked and lied because he had stalked Tom’s profile for weeks then. Isak never posted anything anyway, so it didn’t really matter if Tom knew his handle or not.

Isak’s fingers and ears tingled and burned as he looked at the pictures posted by Tom. It was probably just because his blood started flowing there again, but the touches Tom had given him sure played their part in it. His hands had been so  _ warm _ .

Isak kept looking at Tom’s pictures further and further back. When he reached last summer’s topless beach shots he noticed that in addition to warming up from the cold he had started warming up in other ways as well. Isak stopped at one particular picture, where Tom was leaning back in a chair in a garden, sunlight playing on his skin in ripples, his chest hair painted golden by it, the silky line of dark curls starting at his belly button and growing darker as it traveled lower, finally diving inside Tom’s shorts, like an invitation to burrow deeper..Isak sighed softly as he started stroking himself through his jeans.

He teased himself with soft touches and slow strokes, letting his eyes wander on Tom’s body. Imagining how it would feel to touch it, to dig his fingertips into that flesh as the passion grew more intense, what it would taste like to his hungry lips and tongue. Isak laid back on the couch and straightened his legs, breathing heavier. He put the phone down on the floor and slipped his both hands under the blanket. With his left hand he rolled his shirt up, palm firmly against his skin, sending ripples of delight all over his body. His right hand was busy unbuttoning his jeans. He took his time with that as well, enjoying the pressure easing up bit by bit.

Isak gasped softly as his now rock hard cock emerged from his jeans and undies. He knew every inch of it, every sensitive spot, every vein. He had always had it, and his time with Even had taught him to appreciate it. The second the thought about Even slipped into his mind Isak grabbed the phone from the floor and focused on Tom. He started stroking himself slowly, still teasing himself, savouring the moment. When he couldn’t take it anymore he reached down under the couch and pulled out his living room lube. The perks of living alone in an apartment no visitor should or would ever see.

Isak squeezed some lube on his palm and curled his fingers into a fist, rubbing and warming the lube up. He licked his lips slowly, stroking his chest with his free hand, pinching a nipple firmly. He wanted it, he wanted it bad, he needed to just escape for a moment and let go. His cock was throbbing as he grabbed it firmly and started pumping.

While stroking himself furiously Isak let his mind wander. Images and fantasies flashed through his eyes as he listened to his mood, what would turn him most on right now. Even kept popping up, and finally Isak gave up to his lust and instincts. He let Even join him.

Eyes closed, on his back on the couch, Isak felt Even’s hands on his body. Then he looked up and saw himself, and he was Even, devoured by Isak’s eyes, obeying his every word and order. He had done wrong, he needed to be punished. He wanted to be punished.

“Hurt me”, he made Even whisper with his own lips. He yelped as he pinched his nipple harder, so hard it made him see stars, he twisted his fingers and yelped again. “Make me pay.”

Isak dug his fingernails into his stomach and pulled three red lines across it, slowly. He kept touching his dick furiously, moving his hand up and down, squeezing and releasing in rhythm. The dull burn of pain on his skin made him harder, the idea of Even having that pain, receiving it willingly, turned him on so hard.

Images kept flashing. He was Even, he was in chains, a whip lashed on his back and buttocks, he cried out with every strike but in every cry there was also a moan. He was so hard, it hurt, it was a delicious pain and he wanted more. He needed more.

“Hurt me!”

Isak was panting. He opened his eyes and searched the room, frantically, he needed something, anything..he got up and went to the bathroom. It was tiny, but it was tiled. So when he opened the mirror cabinet and pulled out a rubber dildo with a suction cup at its bottom he could stick it to the wall.

“Fuck..let me suck you..” Isak mumbled and fell on his knees in front of the toy. He closed his eyes and wrapped his lips around the tip. He let his tongue swirl around it for a moment, then he took a deep breath and pushed further. He couldn’t take it all the way in, but he took it as far as he could, enjoying the feeling of being filled like that. In his mind  Even was on his knees in the bathroom’s hard cold floor, choking on Isak’s dick.

When he was sucking on the toy Isak didn’t touch himself, other than to inflict pain. He smacked his ass with his palm, so hard it left a red mark. He hit again, on the other cheek. He pulled and pinched his nipples until they were red and aching. Each lash of pain rushed into his dick like electricity. He was dripping when he pulled back.

The bathroom lube was in the shower. Isak lathered it on the toy generously. Then he spred it on himself, on his hole, his fingers, he warmed himself up as quickly as he could. Staring intently at the dick sticking out of the wall. The lubed rupper was hard and soft at the same time when it pressed between his cheeks, against his hole. Isak was panting again, moaning, squeezing his eyes tightly shut as he pushed back. When his body gave in and accepted the toy he gasped sharply. It was so big. So hard. It was so relentless. It wouldn’t give in, it was Isak who would.

He kept his eyes closed. He saw Even on his hands and knees, saw him taking it from him, inch by inch all the way in. Isak scratched himself again, his thighs, his ribs, he pinched his nipples so hard it made him tear up. Then it was in. All the way inside, he stopped there to take a breath. Isak lubed up his hand once more and started touching his dick, making it go from half soft to rock hard again.

Isak started to rock his hips. First slowly, short rocking motions, in sync with his strokes. It was so fucking hot, he was so full, he was full of Isak’s cock and he loved it so much, Even loved it, he was Even, fucked by Isak, so rough. He couldn’t go as rough as he imagined he was going, not without tearing himself up, but he didn’t mind causing himself some pain while he was pounding himself against the toy on the wall. He was so close of coming, so very close to the edge, he pushed back as hard as he could and exploded, shouting, calling out his name with Even’s voice.

He stepped away from the toy, grunting as it exited him completely, leaving him open and empty. He looked at his hand covered in lube and sperm. He looked at his torso covered in scratches.

Isak reached out to turn the hot water on. It was time to take a shower.


	3. Echo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Is it okay if I go on a rant about my crazy ex?”

Maybe it was the spirit of Christmas, but Isak had forgiven Eskild. Or maybe it had more to do with the fact that Tom was Eskild’s friend, not Isak’s, and to hang out with him meant hanging out with Eskild. In any case, here Isak was, in the Kollektivet, a mug of  gløgg in his hand and a santa hat on his head. Tom - these days Tom was the only thing Isak really paid attention to, and even though this party was quite crowded it felt like they were alone - was sporting an impressive pair of antlers and reindeer ears, and his red blinking nose shone to Isak like a beacon, right above his lips.

As someone brought a bottle over Isak’s mug he placed his hand on it as a lid.

“Not for me, thanks”, he said. He didn’t really drink anymore. It had just been taken off the table, first as a solidarity move for Even and then he kind of got used to it. And, he knew that it would be a bad idea to get drunk around Tom. He had a hard time keeping himself in check sober.

Isak hadn’t really felt like coming to this party. Christmas wasn’t his favourite season, never had been, even though there had been some good ones during the years. But now it was extra hard, his first Christmas without Even.

Suddenly Isak realized that there was something red and blinking very close to him.

“Hey”, Tom said, right at Isak’s startled but appreciative face. “I’ve got something for you.”

Isak couldn’t breathe. Except he must have, since he noticed that Tom smelled  _ amazing _ .

“Uh. Hey. Nice antlers.”

Tom laughed. Something warm was poured inside Isak, all the way down to his belly. How could it be that just being near Tom would make him feel this good, when otherwise he felt so shitty?

“I said I have something for you. In my bag. Want to come and see?”

Isak blushed fiercely. Someone put  _ Santa Baby _ on. Everything was ridiculously perfect and at the same time horrifyingly not.

“Uhhhh..yep. Sure.” Isak emptied his mug of alcohol free gløgg and left it on the floor under the tree. The tree was something he liked about Christmas, it smelled so good and looked so pretty. Just like Tom, he even had a light on him.

Tom led him to his bag, which was half buried under shoes and coats. When he pulled out a gift wrapped in red paper and decorated with a green bow Isak blushed again.

“Merry Christmas. From Tom and Mom”, Isak read the card aloud. The package felt soft through the paper. Squishy.

“Open it”, Tom encouraged him. Isak tried to open the bow but his fingers didn’t obey his orders. His hands were shaking. Finally, to Tom’s great delight, he just ripped the paper away.

“You..were serious?” Isak pulled out woolen mittens, socks and a hat. They were soft and fluffy and made just for him. Isak stroked the dark green hat and noticed his hands had stopped shaking. The love in the stitches helped him settle.

“I’m never kidding about momma”, Tom replied. He removed the santa hat from Isak’s head. “Try it on. Mom wants a picture.”

Isak put the hat on. It was warm, but not bulky, and it fit him perfectly. Tom took out his phone and smiled at him.

“Lovely. Now, look happy you got such a great hat.”

Tom had taken the picture before Isak had time to react. And he refused to show it, instead he said he sent it to his mother already and that’s that. Isak protested, and tried to crab Tom’s phone, in vain. Tom hid it behind his back, and then over his head, all the while just out of Isak’s reach.

“Mistletoed!” Someone yelled and the party stopped. Isak froze when he noticed everyone was staring at him and Tom. He looked up and saw a sprig of mistletoe hanging above their heads in the doorframe.

“Ohmygod”, he whispered, out of breath. He looked at Tom, his panic spinning at full speed inside his head. Tom’s nose kept flashing in its steady beat. Beckoning. Right above his lips. Isak’s legs felt weak.

Tom smiled at Isak and gave his lips a small peck. He barely touched them, the nose got in the way, but it was enough to satisfy the crowd. Especially since Eskild declared a shot war and turned the music back on. Isak stumbled backwards, hitting his back to the door. His lips were on fire.

“How about we take your new gear on a test ride?”

Isak wasn’t sure what Tom meant. His racing mind did manage to piece out that Tom wanted him to go somewhere, with him, and that was exactly what Isak wanted. Some alone-time with Tom.

“Sure. Where?”

Tom laughed. Not at Isak but at what he had said.

“I think the street will be enough. Come along.”

Tom got dressed and Isak followed cue. Shoes. Jacket. Scarf. And then his new mittens and hat. He didn’t put the socks on, they wouldn’t have fitted his sneakers without untying the laces. He was in a hurry now.

When they got outside the cold night air started immediately to pinch at Isak’s cheeks. But his ears were warm and cozy, just like his hands. He smiled at Tom.

“They seem to work.”

Tom took his red nose off and stepped closer to Isak.

“Mistletoed”, he said and winked. Isak looked up. Yep. A mistletoe, hanging from one of Tom’s antlers.

Isak stared at Tom. Then he finally caught on. His heart fluttered like crazy when he reached his lips against Tom’s, this time in a proper kiss. Someone above them was cheering. Isak could barely hear it.

The kiss lasted forever. It took Isak’s breath away with it. He just stood there, gasping for air, clinging to Tom’s jacket with both mitten-clad hands.

“Be mine”, he whispered. “Please, please wonderful Tom be mine.”

Tom kept smiling. He kissed Isak again. Isak repeated his request. He needed a straight answer, after weeks of longing, he needed to know.

“I can be your boyfriend, if that’s enough?”

Isak nodded. It was more than enough, it was all he wanted.

“Can we go to your place?” Isak asked, enthusiastically. Tom’s kiss had lit him up like a firecracker. The fuse was burning.

Tom smirked. “Sure. But you’ll be disappointed.”

“Not a chance.”

They popped upstairs to get their things and then Tom called a cab. As Isak sat on the back seat with him all he wanted to do was kiss him, over and over again, but Tom thought it wouldn’t be necessarily safe and just held Isak’s hand discreetly. The ride took forever.

Isak basically threw himself at Tom as soon as they entered his apartment. He fumbled with his mittens still on, trying to take off Tom’s clothes. He needed them off and on the floor immediately.

“Isak. Stop.”

Isak didn’t understand right away what Tom had said. But when Tom grabbed his wrists friendly but firmly he blinked a couple of times.

“But..huh?”

“It’s not you. You’re very attractive. But I don’t ever go all the way on the first night.”

Isak felt stubborn determination awake inside him. Tom didn’t go all the way on the first night? It was because he’d never had a first night with Isak Valtersen.

“What if you can’t resist me?”

Tom shook his head. “I can. I always can. And if you can’t respect that..you better leave right now.”

“No!” Isak gasped. He was not leaving. Tom had finally shown interest in him. He had been alone for a long time, but he could handle a little bit more. “Please don’t make me leave.”

Tom let slowly go of Isak’s hands. He showed them deep into his pockets, ashamed.

“Consent is sexy”, Tom told him. “You don’t have to push yourself at me, Isak, you’re super hot and I will take you to bed soon..just not today, okay?”

“You did say I’d be disappointed”, Isak sighed. But he nodded anyway. “So, what will we do, then?”

“Well..I don’t put out on the first date, but I do make out..”

“You’re a tease!” Isak proclaimed. Tom laughed.

“Yes. And you’re impatient. What a match.”

When they had peeled off their winter clothes Isak pounced into Tom’s lap. He wrapped his legs around his waist, arms behind his neck, and purred.

“Might as well make the most of this night, eh?”

Tom agreed wholeheartedly and carried him to the bedroom.

Hours later, lips numb from all the kissing, Isak lay by Tom’s side, Tom’s arm as his pillow.

“That wasn’t too bad, now, was it?” Tom asked. Isak chuckled.

“It was  _ horrible _ . I’ve never been kissed so badly in my life.”

Isak squirmed as Tom tickled him for punishment.

“Serves you right”, Tom stated. “Pretty little liar.”

It was so hot when Tom called him little. Little anything. He wanted to be his little whatever, something to be taken care of and protected. It was his turn. But still he was afraid, at the bottom of his still cracked heart lived a fear. Isak turned to look at Tom.

“This might sound odd”, he started. “But I have to ask. You don’t have to answer but I can’t promise I won’t make anything of it if you don’t tell me.”

Tom raised his eyebrow but nodded.

“O-kay. Permission to ask granted.”

Isak bit his lip for a while. He tried to come up with some smooth way to say it but he couldn’t make anything work. He had to be blunt.

“Do you have issues with your mental health?”

Tom laughed. He sounded relieved.

“Why on Earth..do I seem like I do? Is that it?”

Isak shook his head. “I’m serious.”

Tom looked at him. At his solemn face, his eyes, the trickle of empty sadness deep within them. Then he shook his head.

“No. Nothing. I’m clinically normal, you could say.”

Isak nodded. “Okay. Good.”

Tom stroked his shoulder gently.

“Why did you ask?”

Isak was an idiot. But he had been holding it all in for so long. He knew Eskild blamed him for Even’s presumed misery, and maybe for the break up in general. Jonas..he was cool and all, but he was clearly uncomfortable when they talked about him doing..stuff with Even. It was weird for Isak himself as well.

“Is it okay if I go on a rant about my crazy ex?”

Isak regretted that choice of words as soon as he had said them, but it was too late. Tom looked concerned, worried for Isak’s safety, and asked him to go ahead.

“Even was bipolar. He was a good guy but he’d have these..episodes. He’d go missing for days. Or not sleep for a week and make schemes of getting rich all day, all night, all the while ignoring that the money we did have wouldn’t last forever, especially if he spent it on drones or..you know, once this guy sold him a piece of the Moon. The Moon! Even was going to hire people to take him there to make solar panels out of moondust and sell their power to Earth. He read this article about microwaves carrying electricity.” Isak didn’t notice he was crying before Tom wiped his tears off his cheek. He sniffled.

“Sorry. It’s just..I don’t want to live like that anymore. I can’t. I won’t.”

“Wow. That’s..wow.”

Isak felt the need to explain. It was as strong as the urge to breathe, he wanted to defend Even to Tom.

“He didn’t do it on purpose. And it wasn’t always like that. He saved me.” Isak sighed, fondling at the sheets. “I just wish I’d been strong enough to save him back.”

“Do you love him?”

Tom’s question startled Isak. This night was supposed to be about him and Tom, not him and Even’s ghost.

“Eskild told me you’re like him. Like Even was on the good days. That’s the Even I loved but that’s not the one I can have. Not without the other.”

“So..you’re saying you love me? Or something in me that reminds you of him?”

“No!” Isak sat up. The panic started its familiar spin inside him again, growing more powerful each round. He had ruined everything. He had felt too safe and opened up too much and now he’d never have Tom. “I mean..I do like you very, very, very much. But you’re not him. That’s one of your best qualities, really, please believe me, please --”

Tom pulled him back down and kissed him. The spinning started to settle again.

“I believe you. And I also believe that you might need some help. Like, someone to talk to.”

Isak shook his head. “I don’t want to talk anymore. Can’t I just lay here and fall asleep? I’m tired.”

Tom settled Isak back next to him. He pulled a blanket over them and turned off the lamp on the nightstand.

“Sleep, then. I’ll see you when you wake up.”

As Isak drifted to sleep he felt Tom’s lips brush against his forehead. And he wasn’t sure if he dreamt it or not, but it sounded like Tom whispered: “Let’s see if I can save you.”

 

They never talked about that night again. The next morning Tom made them breakfast and presented Isak a list of therapists he’d looked up with his phone. Isak had resisted first but then agreed to try it. He’d visited one for a couple of months regularly and then irregularly, and it was either that or the copious amounts of really good and fun sex he had with Tom on a nightly basis, but Isak had started to feel better. He laughed more. He did things again, visited friends, went clubbing with Tom and Eskild. He started looking for a job. The future was something that existed now, instead of the present just kind of lingering and stretching on and on.

On their six month anniversary Isak had told Tom that he’d fulfil his fantasy. Any fantasy. Tom said he’d think about it at work and when he came home he’d tell what he wanted.

Isak was on pins and needles all day. He couldn’t focus on anything. He took a long bath and scrubbed himself carefully. Then he took a shower later, scrubbing himself again. He wanted to be perfect for the man who had saved him and asked for nothing in return.

When Tom finally came home Isak hurried to meet him. Tom said nothing about his fantasy, just greeted him and kissed him and asked what’s for dinner. Isak pouted.

“Charcoal if I’m cooking”, he huffed. “You know that.”

Tom chuckled.

“Frozen pizza it is. I don’t have time to cook tonight, we have other plans.”

Try as he might, Isak could not pry Tom’s fantasy out of him. He got nothing more than a “you’ll see” or “later honey” or “let’s eat first”. Isak was practically fuming by the time Tom had finished his half of the pizza. He wanted to scream when Tom just looked at him, smirking.

“Come on!”

Tom laughed at his agony.

“Okay, okay. I’ll tell you. But you can still say no. Consent is sexy.”

“Just tell me already!”

“Well. I know you don’t like the idea of being filmed.”

Isak’s heart sank a bit. Tom wanted to film him. He hadn’t told Tom why he didn’t like that at all. And now he had promised to fulfil Tom’s fantasy, he owed this to Tom, and -- Isak’s racing mind came to a halt when Tom reached over the table and grabbed his hands.

“I’m not going to film you, love. But I’d love to share a cam boy with you.”

Isak looked at Tom, puzzled.

“What’s a cam boy?”

“I used to have fun with them before we started dating. It’s an online service, where these cute guys put on their webcam and do the things you ask them to. You can show yourself to them if you want to, or talk to them with the mic, or just type them things.”

Isak licked his lips slowly. A cam boy. Some cute boy for them to order around and look at, together. “Do you..have someone particular in mind? I don’t want anyone to see or hear me.”

“We can just type. And I did some research and found one who had an opening tonight for a private session. If you don’t want to do this I’ll just text him and cancel.”

Isak shook his head. “No. Don’t. I want to.” He smiled at Tom. To see the expectation in his man’s eyes was a major turn on. He had promised a fantasy, and that he would deliver. To be honest he was so relieved that Tom didn’t ask to film him that he’d be willing to do pretty much anything for his wonderful man.

“When is our appointment?”

Tom looked at his phone for time. “Fifteen minutes. I’ll set up the laptop in the bedroom.”

Fourteen minutes later Isak sat on the bed, naked, leaning his back against Tom’s chest. The laptop was in front of them, the cam boy site open, the counter on the window counting down to the scheduled session. Isak could feel Tom getting hard against his lower back and he stroked his hairy muscular legs.

“Are you sure, babe?” Tom whispered into his ear, his lips against his earlobe. Isak sighed softly with pleasure.

“Yes, for the tenth time. I’m sure.”

The counter reached zero. The boy appeared on the screen. Isak looked into a pair of blue eyes that looked almost but not directly into the camera and his heart stopped beating.

It was Even.


	4. Déjà vu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even laughed. Tom had probably no idea, but Isak heard immediately that his laughter was faked. Everything about that Even in front of his eyes was faked. His pose on the bed, set just so that the camera could capture all of his semi naked body. His seductive pout. The look in his eyes, the sparkle, Isak had seen that a million times before and he knew it was not joy or delight, it was well masked panic. Or maybe he was imagining things. It had been a long time.

Isak stared at the screen. He had lost weight. He had dark circles under his eyes, covered with concealer but still visible. His cheekbones were higher than ever and his lips were still the most perfect pair of lips he’d ever seen.

Tom whistled silently into Isak’s neck.

“What a babe”, he mumbled approvingly. Isak couldn’t speak. His mouth was parchment and his brain shut down. But he nodded. Mm-hm. A babe.

“Hey honey”, Even said on the screen. It felt surreal. He was really there. Right there, right now. “Are you sure you won’t let me see you? I like to watch.”

Tom took the keyboard and typed quickly. Every click of a letter turned into pixels on the screen and Isak stared at them, only to not look at Even’s image.

‘Sorry babe, not this time. You look amazing tho.’

Even laughed. Tom had probably no idea, but Isak heard immediately that his laughter was faked. Everything about that Even in front of his eyes was faked. His pose on the bed, set just so that the camera could capture all of his semi naked body. His seductive pout. The look in his eyes, the sparkle, Isak had seen that a million times before and he knew it was not joy or delight, it was well masked panic. Or maybe he was imagining things. It had been a long time.

“What do you want to do, hun?”

Even pressed his chin down just slightly, raising his eyebrow. He challenged his audience. Bring it, he said, surprise me, impress me. Isak could barely breathe.

“You’re tense”, Tom whispered into his ear, stroking his chest. “Are you sure you’re okay with this?”

Isak nodded. “Yes. Yes. I’m good. I’m just nervous but I can handle it.” He had to handle it. He had made this bed himself, and now he’d lay in it. With Tom. And, in a way, with Even. He couldn’t tell Tom the truth, he was too embarrassed and horrified to. He was sure Tom would not understand. Nobody would understand.

“Hello? Are you still there?”

Tom started typing again.

‘Take off your underwear. I want to see you.’

Isak wanted to protest. No, that was not a way to talk to Even, like he was something cheap, a trinket to play with. But it wasn’t Even, not to Tom, to him he was just some cam boy. A toy, willing to be in the game.

“Sure thing, sweetie.” Even winked at the camera and reached down. He squirmed out of his underwear. He had shaved his pubes. Or waxed. Anyhow, he was bare and smooth and his cock was still the most beautiful one Isak had ever seen. Isak’s mouth felt normal again. He had started salivating.

“What do you think, love?”

Isak nodded. “He’s beautiful.”

Tom was rock hard against him now. Isak leaned back on his strong warm chest, his eyes half closed and fixed on Even. He could do this. He had to. A part of him wanted to.

‘I want to see you hard.’

Even winked and laid back. He spread his legs so that nothing was hidden from the camera. He moved with a certainty that comes from a thousand repeats. Had he been doing this the whole time? Isak took a sharp breath in when Even leaned back on his elbow and started touching himself.

“Do you like what you see? Do you like your very own boytoy?” Even asked, half smirking. Isak shivered as Tom reached his hand on his inner thigh, stroking it, closer and closer to his dick.

“Yes”, Isak whispered before he could stop himself. Tom groaned, surprised and delighted. He typed the reply to Even who read it and smiled.

When Tom’s hand reached its goal Isak was already hard. Tom seemed happy about it, as his lips tasted the side of Isak’s neck. Isak kept his eyes glued to the screen, where Even had stroked himself hard as well.

Because Even’s body was so familiar to him, Isak noticed the little things. The scratches at the back of his ankle, just above the heel. His cuticles, plucked into oblivion. The way his collar bones stuck out more than they used to. He had occasionally wondered if Even was okay, and now he knew. He was okay-ish. In a bad place but still here, and coping. Struggling, but not yet lost.

“Would you like to see my hole better?” Even asked. Isak shivered, his neck in goosebumps. Tom gasped softly at his reaction, happy that his lover was also turned on by his favourite fantasy.

‘Yes’

Even smiled and turned his hips forward. He raised his legs into the air and spread them, his dick standing up proudly between them. Even pulled his butt cheeks apart and showed his smooth, beautiful hole to them. Isak licked his lips, hungry.

“Would you like to try it? Taste it, maybe?” Even teased his rim with his fingertips, still smiling.

“Hell yes”, Isak mumbled. Tom chuckled.

“That might be hard, my dear, but you can taste mine.”

Isak nodded, hypnotized by the screen.

“I want to see him”, he said.

“Of course.” Tom was grinning as he shifted on the bed, making room for Isak to back up. Then he moved in front of him, Isak between his legs, and pushed his ass up towards Isak’s face.

“Tell him to finger himself. But not too much.” Isak told Tom. He hummed happily and started typing, and even though Isak couldn’t really see the text from this far he saw how Even reacted to it. He parted his lips, the tip of his tongue peaked out ever so briefly, then he pushed his finger into his mouth and made it wet and shiny from his spit. Even moaned silently as he swirled his wet finger around his rim. Isak forgot to breathe again.

“Any time you feel like it”, Tom chuckled. He didn’t know he had a reason to be jealous so he wasn’t. Isak blushed and nodded and dove in. As he pressed his face against Tom’s ass he inhaled deep, enjoying his musky scent. Tom loved it when Isak ate his ass out. And Isak liked that Tom loved it. When Tom sighed soft and long as Isak pushed his tongue out of his mouth Isak felt sexy as hell. Almost as sexy as what he saw on the screen was.

At the same time Isak wanted to run away. A part of him, a big part of him, was shocked and terrified but he had had years of practice in suffocating that part. Hiding it. Pushing it so deep inside that it was invisible and mute, until it built up enough pressure to blast its way out. But he still had time until that, he had time to hide it from Tom. So he pushed his pain away and to do that he had to focus on all the hotness and sex and carnal feelings that was going on around him. He had to stay focused on Tom, himself and their hot cam boy.

Tom moaned when Isak licked his hole. Isak moved the tip of his tongue in tiny circles around his anus, making it wet with his spit. His eyes strained a bit to stay focused on the screen but he couldn’t look away. Even let out small sighs and oohs and ahhs as he fingered himself, with just the tip of his index finger. Slowly. Making sure the camera caught it all.

Isak pushed his tongue inside Tom. It was hard to breathe while he kept looking at the screen, but he couldn’t look away. Tom typed something now and then, something short, only three or four letters. Probably something like yes, more, good boy. He said those things out loud as well, to Isak, and knowing that Even got the same encouragement as him turned Isak on so bad. He moved his tongue faster, more demanding, he fucked Tom with it until he moaned out loud.

Isak pulled back when his mouth got tired. He gasped for air, pressed his fingertips into Tom’s hips.

“Does he have toys he can use?”

Tom typed.

“I love my toys”, Even lied. “Do you want to see my favourite?”

“I want to see the biggest one he has”, Isak heard himself say. Tom typed again, rocking his hips a bit but in vain. Isak was focused on Even and what he would do.

Even was a good little cam whore and smiled as he pulled out the biggest fucking dildo Isak had ever seen. He was certain it wasn’t the biggest in existence, and he assumed that Even wouldn’t have it at hand if he couldn’t handle it, but still.

“Fuck”, Isak gasped, wide-eyed.

“I can’t start with this one, honey. It won’t go in. I’ll have to work my way up.”

“Fine”, Isak sighed. “Let him work his way up then.” In the meantime he would focus on Tom before he noticed something was off. Tom typed his instructions to Even who kept a smile on his face and pulled out a smaller dildo. He started to lube it up.

“Tell him to be loud”, Isak mumbled as he crawled on the floor on his knees, in front of Tom. “And give that to me, stat.”

“Aren’t you a horny one”, Tom chuckled, pleased. “Hang on, love.” He typed first and then shifted, offering his hard cock to Isak. Isak closed his eyes, wrapped his lips around Tom’s dick and listened to Even’s moans right behind him.

It was incredible. It was so wrong and that was what made it so hot. Isak was using them both, using Even and using Tom, to is own pleasure, he was the biggest bastard in the universe but right now he didn’t care. He sucked Tom hard, took him deep, so deep it was uncomfortable, he dug his knees harder into the floor so that they ached, he grabbed Tom’s wrist and pulled his hand into his curly hair, prompting him to tug it. All the while he listened to Even moaning and whining, he heard the lubed toy sliding in and out of him, and he just wanted to die.

“Tell me when he’s ready”, Isak said to Tom while took a break to catch his breath. He kept jerking off Tom’s dick with his hand. He didn’t want to let go of it, it was his. “And fuck me in my mouth. Please.”

Isak opened his mouth and looked up at Tom. He stood up slowly, his knees a bit wobbly, and grabbed Isak’s head. Isak winced as he shoved his cock all the way in his mouth and started pumping. Tears ran down Isak’s face as he held back his gag reflex. He just took it, Tom invaded his mouth over and over again, and it was fucking perfect.

Tom was close. Isak could feel it, taste it, his face was wet with tears and snot and spit and he was so dirty, so disgusting..then Tom stopped and pulled out. Isak blinked and looked up, his mouth still open.

“He’s ready, love.”

Isak turned to look at the screen. Even was lubing up the big monster of a dick in his hand. It look mesmerizing, it was as long as Isak’s arm and about as thick. It shone from the lube, pitch black and incredible.

“I want to ride you”, Isak said, his voice thick with heat. “Can you hold until I come?”

Tom hesitated but then nodded. “I think I can.”

That would have to do. Even was done with the lube and Isak was in a hurry. He pushed Tom on his back on the bed and stood up, squirted some lubricant on his cock and mounted him, facing the screen. He was not ready for it, but there was no time. Even pushed the toy against himself and moaned and whined as it forced its way in. Isak cried out loud when he pushed down, the pain tearing him, but the need was pulling him harder. He pushed, blind from tears the pain raised into his eyes, and when he reached the bottom he whimpered.

“Love, are you okay?” Tom tried to ask but Isak pushed his hands away from is thighs.

“I need this”, he groaned as he started to work his hips. He wiped his eyes so he could watch Even working his, pumping his hole with the monstrous dick, he synchronized their rhythm, their moves, their breathing. He could tell Even would not be coming from this, he was still hard but not as hard as he could be, but you don’t always get everything you want, do you.

“Isak I know you’re in pain”, Tom tried protesting again.

“It’s good”, Isak moaned. “I’m gonna come so hard..please..don’t stop.”

If Isak’s words didn’t convince Tom, his hips did. At least Tom didn’t resist anymore, actually based on his moans he was getting back into the mood himself. Isak barely heard him, he kept his eyes fixed on Even’s face as he fucked himself for their pleasure. He looked so fucking beautiful.

Isak wanted to come. He needed to come, he felt and heard that Tom couldn’t last much longer. He didn’t want to but he had to touch himself, he grabbed his dick and jacked off, in a fast pace, he yanked the orgasm out of himself by force. It was intense. It made him scream, howl, he ejaculated on Even’s face on the screen. He felt Tom come inside him as well, the hot squirts that filled his violated hole before Tom went flat and slipped out of him.

“Fuck, Isak. That was insane.” Tom was panting, gasping for air. Isak crawled on the bad beside him.

“You didn’t like it?”

“It took a bit of convincing, yeah..but it’s your anniversary too, love.”

Isak pressed his forehead on Tom’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry”, he whispered. “I got carried away.”

Tom stroked his hair softly.

“I just don’t like to see you in pain. I thought we were past that phase.”

Isak winced.

“I’m so so sorry.”

“Hush, my love. It’s okay. Some fantasies just don’t work out as you thought they would, you know?”

Tom sat up and typed something. Even disappeared from the screen and Tom closed the lid before returning to Isak’s side.

“How about we take a shower together and go to bed? You drained me.”

Isak nodded. He didn’t resist when Tom picked him up on his arms and carried him out of the bedroom.

“Happy anniversary”, he whispered and pecked a kiss on Tom’s cheek.


	5. Mirror

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even nodded. Isak had the feeling that if he hadn’t paid for this Even would’ve shut off the connection. But then Isak saw Even smirk. He knew that face. It meant trouble. And he was so happy to see it.

The next day Isak laid on his stomach on the bed. He was playing with his phone, flipping through image after image of pretty guys in various positions. They all had near identical expressions, this odd come hither -look that existed only in the realm of pornography. Some of them were strikingly beautiful, some rather plain, but most importantly, none of them was Even. Isak hadn’t recognised the apartment behind Even last night, he didn’t know if he even lived in Oslo anymore, so his search was wide and desperate to begin with. But somewhere he’d be, advertising himself and his services with his image, and Isak was determined to find him.

He could’ve asked Tom where he found the cam boy. But it was still a bit weird between them. Or Isak was again exaggerating and reading into things. Tom had been his normal loving self that morning, but still Isak somehow sensed that something was off. Tom had kissed him good morning, but it had been just slightly less enthusiastic. He had made Isak breakfast, but he hadn’t hummed while he was cooking it. And when he had left he hadn’t texted Isak from the sidewalk. That wasn’t a daily thing, but this day the message’s absence had felt significant.

Isak groaned when he turned on his side. His ass was still sore after last night. He relished that pain. It made it easier for him to breathe, to exist. He paid for his sins with his discomfort. Maybe if he asked nicely Tom would spank him tonight, Isak thought briefly as he saw an ad for a cam slave. The idea of Tom bending him over his knee and letting him have it was scary, comforting and exciting all in one. Isak tucked that thought away, saving it for later. Now he must focus on his mission.

At noon he had to take a break, because his phone was overheating. Isak put it on the floor and sighed. No sign of Even anywhere. If Tom only hadn’t taken the laptop to work with him he’d found the site already.

“Wait a minute”, Isak said out loud, as the epiphany struck him. He grabbed his poor phone again and lo and behold, traces of Tom’s account were still in its memory. Tom had given Isak his old phone, since his previous one was years older. Isak opened the bookmark folder. Tom had told him that he used to do this kind of stuff earlier, so maybe..yes.

There were three different sites of webcam stuff. One site with exclusive membership content only, for a rather steep payment. Isak tried to log in but that info was gone. The other site was focusing on shemales and ladyboys. Isak looked around out of curiosity but that wasn’t apparently his thing. He held his breath as he opened the third bookmark.

There were only a couple of pictures. The site looked cheap and shady and nasty, but it did offer pay-per-view. Isak didn’t see Even’s image anywhere. He tapped on a link that said BOYS BOYS BOYS. There were no names or pictures, but short characteristics and lists of things they would do on camera. Some lists were short, like “stripping, jacking off” or “cybersex”, but one description stood out. It said simply “anything goes, scars cost extra”.

“Found you”, Isak whispered to his screen. He tapped on that slot and then selected that he’d like a private session. The schedule was packed full. For two days straight. He was popular, and Isak didn’t wonder why. The beautiful boy ready for anything. The second his eyes caught an opening Isak tapped it, furiously, and before he had thought things through or even checked the time he had booked and paid for in advance a private hour with the site’s hottest item.

“Fuck”, Isak hissed when he finally had time to check when the session was. Saturday, at three in the afternoon. Where the fuck would he put Tom?

 

Isak groaned at the bottom of the couch, wrapped tightly into a blanket.

“Turn the lights off when you leave, please?”

Tom came to him, worried. He crouched by Isak and stroked his cheek.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay? I could take care of you.”

Isak smiled and kissed the inside of Tom’s wrist.

“It’s okay. As soon as the pills start kicking I’ll fall asleep. It’s just a headache, I’m not dying or anything.”

Tom opened his mouth to protest but Isak pressed his finger on his lips.

“Besides, Eskild has been raving about that movie since he saw the trailers, and now you have a ticket nobody’s using, and you will take your friend to the movies. No buts.”

Tom smiled against his finger and gave it a little kiss.

“Very well, my dearest. I’ll keep my phone on vibrate, call me if you need anything.”

“Yes, yes, yes. Now go before you’re late. Eskild needs to pee like three times before the show.”

When Tom’s chuckling vanished behind the apartment’s closing door Isak listened to the silence. He held his breath, glancing at the clock on the wall. It was fifteen to three.

After five minutes Isak was sure that Tom wouldn’t return. He threw the blanket away and rushed to get the laptop with him to the bedroom. He flipped the lid up and opened the cam site. He entered the access code from his phone and the window with the counter popped open. Isak shivered with anticipation. These days had been torture. He had been snappy and absent minded with Tom, and when he had suggested last night that they could go on a date, see a movie and grab a bite to eat somewhere, Tom had agreed, relieved. Too bad Isak had woken up with such a horrible headache.

Of course he felt bad about lying to his boyfriend. He did love Tom, and he did know he wasn’t good enough for him on a good day, let alone when pulling a stunt like this. But he had to find out. He needed to see. And Tom would never understand, no matter how well Isak would’ve explained. He’d try to understand, and he’d probably at least pretend to accept this, but he wouldn’t really get it. He couldn’t.

Isak gasped when the counter reached zero and Even appeared. He had found him.

“Hello, sweetie”, Even greeted. He was only in his underwear again, and Isak could see some red marks on his chest and sides. They wouldn’t leave scars, but they looked sore. “Oh, no camera? Are you shy?”

Isak bit his lip. Then he typed.

‘How did you get those marks?’

Even smiled and shook his head, dismissively. “Oh, they’re nothing. You don’t need to worry about them, honey. Instead, tell me how can I please you today.”

Isak stared at him. He wanted to tell him a million things. Ask him a million questions. He wanted to say he was sorry, but. Or just sorry.

‘What’s your name?’

“Whatever you want it to be”, Even replied, through his everlasting smile.

Isak clenched his fists. All he wanted to say was Vivian but he could not. Even would’ve known.

‘Can’t you just tell me?’

“Oh, honey. It’s just a name. It doesn’t matter.”

Isak saw a short, fleeting flash of fear in Even’s eyes. He was afraid to tell his name, because he had no idea who was here, behind this screen. He was simply taking care of his safety, and that felt good to Isak. At least there was some sense left in Even.

‘Why are you doing this? Do you enjoy this?’

Even licked his lips in the way he always did when he was about to lie.

“I’ve always loved attention. And this pays the bills and buys me nice pretty things. Plus..you really turn me on, hun.”

Even ran his fingers down his chest towards his groin. Isak couldn’t help but follow them with his eyes. God he was sexy.

‘You don’t even know who I am.’

Even looked straight into the camera. His eyes were so fucking blue.

“You are someone I want to pleasure, so bad. Please tell me what you’d like me to do.”

Isak took a moment to think.

‘In your profile it said that anything goes. Did you really mean it?’

“Yes. I’m ready to do anything you want me to. I’m all yours.”

‘I want you to tell me what to do.’

Isak had forgotten how adorable Even looked when he was totally confused and tried to hide it, badly.

“What?”

‘I want YOU to tell ME what to do. Please.’

“But..I can’t see you. How will I know that you obey me?”

‘You will have to take my word for it.’

Even frowned.

“Are you making fun of me?”

Isak sighed. Even was being difficult, as if this wasn’t hard enough for him already.

‘Would it matter? Anything goes.’

Even took a second to think about it. Then he smiled again, that perfect slutty smile.

“Anything goes. Your wish is my command. This is just very..unusual. It’s my first time, you could say.”

‘Tell me to do things you’re told to do by other men. Please.’ Isak sighed again. Who is polite to a cam whore? But this wasn’t like that. This was a different game, and it had its own set of rules.

“Are you naked?”

Isak took off all his clothes. The cool air in the bedroom turned his skin into goosebumps.

‘Yes.’

“Do you want me to be turned on by this?” Even asked, as if being turned on was something he could do by will. Maybe he could. He must’ve had a lot of practice.

‘It doesn’t matter.’ This wasn’t about Even. This was about Isak and what he had done. He didn’t feel turned on himself either, more like calm anticipation. He just wanted to know.

“Okay then.” Even looked into the camera, directly into it, he didn’t need to see himself now. Isak looked into his eyes and for the first time in forever he felt secure. He wouldn’t screw this up, he just knew it.

“First tell me why are you doing this.”

Isak groaned. Fucking Even.

‘I want to know how it feels.’

“It’s not the same without the camera.”

‘NO.’

Even nodded. Isak had the feeling that if he hadn’t paid for this Even would’ve shut off the connection. But then Isak saw Even smirk. He knew that face. It meant trouble. And he was so happy to see it.

“Slap yourself in the face”, he said, still smirking. He didn’t think his customer would do it. He expected protesting, Isak was sure of that. He yelped as the pain stung his cheek when he hit it, hard.

‘I did it.’

Even raised his eyebrow. Isak smirked.

“How does it feel?”

‘It burns.’

‘I like it.’

‘More.’

Even told him to hit the other side, harder. Isak obeyed. Tears stung his eyes as the pain flung deep inside him, like directly into his brain. He was panting.

‘More.’

Even made Isak hit himself everywhere. He did it without hesitation. Chest, slap. Thighs, slap slap. He even found a ruler and whacked the soles of his feet, crying out in pain. It was amazing. It was so much better than just sitting in the bathroom plucking your leg hair off with tweezers. This time his pain had a witness.

“I saved the best for last.” Even smiled at the camera. “I want you to take the ruler and give your dick a good smack.”

Isak gasped. He still wasn’t hard, but when Even mentioned his dick it kind of twitched, like coming out of a slumber. He licked his lips slowly.

‘Howmuch wil it hurt?’ Isak typed, hands shaking.

“You’ll find out soon. I’m waiting.”

Isak held his breath and squeezed the ruler. He was scared. He was so scared, but he took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He hit himself in the stomach.

“Fuck!” Isak hissed and opened his eyes again. He had to watch. To aim. Even was waiting patiently, playing with his hair, still smiling.

Isak cradled his penis on his palm. He knew he did not want to get hit in the balls. Dick..he had no idea. He was about to find out. He raised the ruler, with calm determination, and hit. Hard.

‘I did it.’

Even grinned.

“How was it?”

‘Way, way less bad than I imagined. You tricked me.”

Even chuckled. He was playing with him. It felt good and humiliating at the same time.

“Sorry about that sweetie. How are you doing?”

‘I’m sore all over. And my palms sting like crazy.’

“Sore all over.” Even repeated and nodded. Isak swallowed.

‘Every day?’

“You get used to it.”

‘How did you get into this?’ Isak really wanted to know why. But often the why was hidden in the how.

Even seemed more relaxed now. Isak had proved himself worthy.

“As I said, I like attention. And cameras. It just makes sense.”

‘You’re the only one who does anything they’re asked.’

Nobody else would’ve seen it, but Isak knew where to look. There it was, for a fraction of a second, Even was in pain.

For a fraction of a second Isak was glad to see it.

Then Even smiled again. He looked amazing. Isak’s chest fucking ached.

“Do you want more?”

‘Yes. Please.’

“Are you hard?”

‘No.’

“Do something about that. Do you need visual aid?”

Isak shivered. Even was so beautiful to look at.

‘No. Just time.’

Even smiled, and this time there was something real about his smile. It poured into Isak like something warm and comforting.

“I’ll wait. We have still time.”

Isak glanced at the counter. His time with Even was running out, not quite yet but still too rapidly. But he couldn’t mourn that now, he had something to do.

He stroked his flesh, teasingly, staring at Even’s naked torso. At his lips. He avoided Even’s eyes at all costs, and in a minute or so he had gotten himself hard.

‘I’m hard.’

“Good”, Even said. He leaned a bit closer, intently. “Now I want you to come without touching your dick.”

Isak shivered again. He was so naughty. Even asked for such nasty things and he wanted to do them so fucking much.

‘I’ll try.’

Even leaned back again, looking at Isak on the screen. He was smirking again, and probably grateful for the break. It felt like Even was keeping an eye on Isak, to make sure he did as he was told.

Isak reached for the lube and lubed his fingers carefully. He struggled to find a good position at first, he needed to reach himself and see Even and keep his balance, but finally he found it. On his knees, sideways to the screen, his ear resting against a pillow and his legs spread. Isak moaned silently as he pushed his finger inside him, imagining that Even could hear him.

It was so fucking humiliating. Laying there, with Even watching him, his fingers inside him and trying to make himself come when it was difficult to even stay hard. Tears started running down Isak’s face and getting sucked into the pillowcase. He moved his fingers faster, harder, making an occasional whimper, biting his lip so hard it started bleeding. The counter ticked down without mercy, and with one minute left Isak knew he couldn’t do it.

‘I can’t come. I’m sorry.’ Isak typed with his clean hand.

There was a mean flash in Even’s smile. He was happy that Isak had failed.

“That’s not an option for me.”

Isak couldn’t see through his tears. He pressed his forehead against the mattress and barely heard the beep when the connection shut down under the sound of his heaving crying.


	6. Selfie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the weeks went by, Isak’s guilt over what he was doing to Tom had become unbearable. He had to make amends. And today, while with Even, Isak had had an idea. It scared him. Fear was good. Fear was a pain that made sense.

“Dude, I really think you should get an actual therapist”, Even said on the screen after they had finished and were waiting for the time to run out.

‘I have one. I can’t talk about this to them.’

Even raised his eyebrow.

“Why not?”

‘They’d want me to stop.’

Even said nothing. Then he nodded slowly.

“See you tomorrow?”

‘You were fully booked. But soon.’

“Take care of --” The connection shut down. Even never let that happen mid-sentence, he was a fucking professional. Isak tried not to read too much into that.

He closed the window and put the lid down. The apartment was so silent and empty. Tom was at work. It had been relatively easy to convince Tom that Isak needed the laptop at home during the days. He had to write his CV. He had to make applications, look for jobs, that sort of stuff.

Tom was a fucking saint, Isak thought as he stood by the sink cleaning the toys he had used to humiliate himself for Even. He had a secret stash Tom knew nothing about. He had a secret webcam affair Tom knew nothing about. He had this whole dark painful world that had no place for his boyfriend and Isak hated that. But he knew what it was to share that world with someone you love with all your heart, and his heart hadn’t survived that.

When Isak did the things he did with Even he felt..not unhappy. Not horrible. All the other times he felt like shit, but with Even online he could shut that outside. For one hour, four or five times a week, he got to not feel. That was what kept him going. That and keeping an eye on Even. Checking in on him, without him knowing it was Isak, it was important.

But. As the weeks went by, Isak’s guilt over what he was doing to Tom had become unbearable. He had to make amends. And today, while with Even, Isak had had an idea. It scared him. Fear was good. Fear was a pain that made sense.

After the toys were cleaned and stashed safely away Isak returned to the bedroom. He was still naked. He glanced at the laptop nervously. But he opened the lid and turned the camera on.

Isak took a deep breath, sitting on the edge of the bed, facing the screen, staring at the floor. Then he slowly lifted his eyes. There he was. On the screen, mirrored, his every movement caught by the lense. His naked body, some red marks still visible but rapidly fading, by the time Tom got home they’d be gone.

“It’s okay”, Isak whispered to his image. “Just fucking breathe.”

It was both a good advice and a hard task. Isak’s heart beat so fast in his ears that all he heard was a constant static noise. Every neuron and nerve end in his body fired up, flashing like a tropical thunderstorm. Isak wanted to run away. He wanted to close his eyes, look away, cover himself, kick that fucking laptop on the floor. He didn’t. He sat there, looking, staring at his nudity and trying to force himself to hit record.

Isak was convinced that someone was watching him. That the camera was hacked and now someone, somewhere, was looking at his nudity and he didn’t know, couldn’t know. Isak’s hands shook so much it was difficult to hit the red button on the screen, but he did it. It was recording. He was turning into light and written down with magnets, turned into electricity and pixels and there he was, on the screen, like the crappy laptop camera had captured his fucking soul.

“Fuck”, Isak whispered, barely audibly. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. He couldn’t do this. He had to do this. He owed it to someone who loved him.

He sat still for the longest time. He looked at the timer rolling forward, milliseconds and seconds turning into minutes. He looked at himself, immobile, like a statue. He knew he had to try moving, but he was scared stiff. He would fucking die.

The afternoon was hell. But Isak had pushed himself, pushed past and through his panic, and hours later he was done. He could move his arm and see it happen on the screen. He could watch his nipple harden as he pinched it. He felt sick to his stomach but he could operate and that was the exact point where he wanted to be. His eyes were calm. His face was stoic. Everything under the surface was in turmoil but that was what he was going for. Tom would be home soon and Isak was fucking prepared.

Deleting the file didn’t feel like enough. Isak had deleted it permanently, wiped it off the hard drive but the thought of setting the laptop on fire didn’t feel exaggerated at all. But that would’ve been a bit too hard to explain. Besides time was running out, Isak had to take a shower, get dressed and warm himself back up before Tom got home.

 

When the front door opened Isak’s lips had only a pale hue of blue left on them. The light of his smile hid it well enough as he went to meet his man and kiss him welcome.

“How was work?” Isak asked. He was surprised how well he kept his cool. He was a better liar than he wanted to think he was.

Tom smiled wearily.

“Exhausting. It’s so good to be home again.”

Isak returned the smile. He reached up and kissed his boyfriend again, resting his hand on his cheek, pressing his body briefly against Tom.

“I missed you”, he purred, letting go just noticeably slower than normal. He had learned a lot of Tom’s buttons and knew how to push them.

“Missed you too, love”, Tom replied and wrapped his arms around Isak. Tom picked him up and carried him to the kitchen. “But I’m starving.”

Isak giggled and sighed, running his fingers through Tom’s hair.

“Then eat something. I’ve already eaten.” It was a lie, but he couldn’t eat now. Not one bite, he was way too nauseated.

Tom put him down gently.

“Yes, yes, my love. You’re eager today.”

“I have a surprise for you”, Isak said and blushed a bit. A part of him was excited, but it was a tiny part. He was terrified and excited and the slightest bit horny.

“Really? What is it?”

Isak shook his head, still smiling, blushing.

“After dinner. But I’m sure you’ll like it.”

Tom made an unofficial record in preparing and finishing a dinner for one. Something warm bubbled in Isak, it felt genuinely good to see how much Tom wanted him. Sure, Tom had no idea about how horrible he was, but he wanted him and that felt nice. As Tom stood up from the dinner table and stepped closer, Isak’s stomach made a somersault.

“Good boy”, Isak said, smirking. “You’ve earned your treat.”

Tom reached him and embraced him. His hug was still the safest place on Earth. Isak pressed his face into Tom’s chest, suddenly shy.

“I want to fuck you on camera”, he mumbled. He felt Tom freeze. He hoped it was in a good way.

“Excuse me?” Tom asked.

“I want to fuck you. On camera.”

Isak raised his chin as Tom’s fingers directed it. He looked up at Tom’s eyes. They were dark.

“Are you sure?”

Isak nodded. “Fucking positive. I’ve been shitty for weeks, I want to do something nice for a change.”

Tom looked at him saying nothing. Isak started feeling nervous.

“Don’t you want to?”

“Can I fuck you?” Tom asked. Isak shook his head.

“I can’t let go like that yet. Maybe next time.” It was a lie. It would have been easier for him to be the bottom, just let Tom do whatever he wanted and imagine he was somewhere else. Isak did not deserve easy.

Tom hid his possible disappointment well. He kissed Isak, passionately, pulling him hard against his chest.

“Just be gentle, okay? You know I can’t take it as rough as you.”

Isak smiled softly.

“I promise.”

He kissed Tom. Tom kissed him. Somewhere between those kisses they had entered the bedroom. Isak’s skin prickled and tingled.

“What camera shall we use?” Tom asked, his voice hoarse and low. He was so turned on by this. Isak loved it.

“The laptop. No wifi on.” Isak would take no chances of the video leaking to the internet.

Tom set the laptop up for them. Isak shivered when he saw himself on screen, on the bed. His heart started racing again, in a panicked gallop. As Tom came to him Isak fucking devoured him. He shoved his tongue inside Tom’s mouth, practically ripped his clothes off. Tom undressed him as well, gentler, his strong hands caressing Isak’s body. His touches lit him up like a torch, he was just so. Fucking. Warm.

By the time they were both naked Isak had briefly forgotten about the camera. He was turned on, worked up, he was rock hard. He didn’t top Tom often but when he did it was fucking hot. Tom made such wonderful sounds.

His relief was shortlived. He saw movement at the corner of his eye and realized it was him, them, on camera, and his heart raced again. Tom was wonderful, but even his warmth couldn’t handle the darkness within Isak right now.

Isak pushed Tom on his back on the bed, his eyes shining dark. Tom gasped, surprised but pleased. For him Isak probably just seemed horny and enthusiastic.

“Can I be rough in foreplay?” Isak asked, leaning over Tom to stroke his chest with the tip of his fingernail. “I want to make you scream.”

Isak didn’t really know why he said those things. He wasn’t even sure if they were true. He just wanted to make Tom react, make him see that something was wrong. He wanted Tom to save him from this punishment he had sentenced himself to.

It didn’t work. Tom looked puzzled for a moment, but then he nodded with the same determination Isak had seen earlier on the screen in his own eyes. His lover wanted something, needed something, and he wanted to deliver. Fucker.

“I love you”, Tom whispered. Isak replied with a growl and attacked him. He pounced Tom, trapping him under his body, he started kissing his neck more with his teeth than his lips. He dug his fingernails into Tom’s shoulders. Tom whimpered, he twitched, let out a pained  _ ah! _ every now and then but he didn’t resist. Whatever Isak did, Tom took it, bravely, submissive.

Isak felt the darkness overcome him. He let it swallow him, consume him, his outlines faded and blended to blackness more and more with every sound Tom made under him. He was a black mass of cancer and madness, spreading and growing like an infection.

“STOP! Fuck!” Isak heard Tom yell. He stopped moving, he noticed he was tasting blood, he had no idea whose it was. He realized that this hadn’t been the first time Tom had asked him to stop. Had he blacked out?

Tom pushed him off him and sat up. Isak couldn’t move. He had fucked up, again, and he knew it.

“What the fuck Isak? What’s wrong with you?” Tom tried his shoulder. He touched his wound and then looked at his bloody fingertips, not believing his eyes. “I need to go to the ER. Human bites are infectious as hell. Fuck!”

Isak didn’t know what to say. He had no words. There were no words. Tom grabbed his arm, firmly, not to hurt him but to get his attention.

“Isak. What is wrong?”

“You need to go”, Isak managed to get out of himself. “I’m sorry. I got carried away.”

“Oh I’m going”, Tom grunted as he stood up and went to the bathroom to get his wound covered before putting his clothes on. Isak stayed on the bed, motionless. Numb. Black.

“Aren’t you coming with me?” Tom asked at the bedroom door.

“I can’t”, Isak whispered. “Please don’t leave me. I need you.”

“Fuck you, Isak. Fuck you, and your bullshit. You fucking BIT ME and it’s still all about you.” Tom had never raised his voice at Isak this much. Not once. “I’m going now. When I get back we’re putting you on meds or something. Sorting your shit out. Fuck!”

Isak didn’t move. He didn’t even wince when Tom slammed the apartment door shut. He had said “when I get back”, so he was going to return. It was going to be okay.

Isak turned slowly on his side and reached for the laptop. There was a movie he needed to watch.


	7. Glitter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Can we please do this some other time?” Isak asked as he dragged himself to the kitchen. “I’m in a real bad place right now and I don’t want you to get contaminated.” It was the best word he could think of to describe himself now. Contaminating.
> 
> Eskild rolled his eyes and placed two mugs of coffee on the table.
> 
> “I’ve already ruined my night for this. So sit down. Now.”

Isak woke up when the apartment door opened. The laptop was still running the video, he had put it on repeat, watched it over and over again until everything went dark.

“Tom?” Isak called.

“Tom’s at the hospital. It’s me.” It was Eskild. Fuck. Isak slammed the laptop’s lid down. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Isak wrapped a blanket around himself just in time. Eskild appeared at the bedroom door. He looked sad and worried and hurt. And..glittery. His shirt was sparkling with sequins and his eyes surrounded with glitter, in a variety of colours. He looked like a fairy rather literally.

“What the fuck, Isak?” Eskild asked. He didn’t yell, or blame him, he just asked. He wanted to know. He really wanted to know.

Isak didn’t know what to answer.

“I..I think I’m going insane?”

Eskild huffed.

“I think you should stop lying.”

Isak stared at Eskild. He didn’t know what to say. Eskild couldn’t know of all his lies, there was absolutely no way. Some of them, maybe.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m sick of seeing you hurt like this and bottling it all up. You’re not ‘going insane’, you’re woven a web and gotten tangled into it. It’s time to come clean. I’m making coffee while you get dressed.”

Eskild left and Isak sat up. Slowly. He was so fucking scared. His life was in pieces and it was all his own fault. He hadn’t been strong enough for Even and now he hadn’t been good enough for Tom.

“I can’t hear you getting dressed, Isak.”

Isak groaned. He knew Eskild wouldn’t leave him alone. So he reached for his clothes and pulled them on. Tom’s words echoed in his ears. It’s all about you, all about you, about you.

“Can we please do this some other time?” Isak asked as he dragged himself to the kitchen. “I’m in a real bad place right now and I don’t want you to get contaminated.” It was the best word he could think of to describe himself now. Contaminating.

Eskild rolled his eyes and placed two mugs of coffee on the table.

“I’ve already ruined my night for this. So sit down. Now.”

Isak obeyed. He knew better than to protest anymore. Eskild sat on the other side, facing him.

“I will not lose another friend because of your bullshit, Isak.”

“What?” Isak stared at Eskild. He had no idea what the hell he was talking about.

“I’m talking about Tom. If you keep treating him like shit he will leave you and I am not willing to lose him like I lost Even.”

Apparently Eskild noticed that Isak wasn’t getting it, since he continued.

“Not a peep after the big break-up, Isak. Not fucking one. I don’t know what you did to him but he doesn’t want anything to do with us anymore. See for yourself.”

Eskild got his phone out and opened his messages, for Even. He pushed the phone on the table to Isak, who had to force himself to look at it.

 

EVEN

Fuck, I just heard. R u ok?

 

EVEN:

Hey, it’s me again. Just checking in. U ok?

 

EVEN:

I won’t tell him if u don’t

 

EVEN:

We’re worried about u

 

EVEN:

We don’t hate u we just want 2 know ur ok

 

EVEN:

OMG SO DRUNK DO U HAVE BOOZE I WANT 2 COME UP

 

EVEN:

R U HOOOOOOME

 

EVEN:

I C U HAVE ALIGHT ON

 

EVEN:

NVM FOUND A RIDE KISSES XOXO

 

EVEN:

He has a new lover. Thought u should know. - E

 

EVEN:

Happy birthday - E

 

The messages ran for months. Even had read them but never replied, and as Isak realized why his guts turned into cold stone.

“I keep my friends”, he whispered.

“What the fuck?”

“When I left. I told him I keep my friends. I didn’t..I was so mad, I didn’t want to run into him ever again and..I didn’t know he’d..” Isak’s head was spinning. Eskild stared at him, fucking pissed.

“YOUR FRIENDS ARE HIS ONLY FUCKING FRIENDS.”

“What?” Isak peeped. “What about --”

“When you two attached at the hip he faded a hundred times too many. Are you telling me you didn’t know?”

Isak shook his head, horrified. He just didn’t want to run into Even. He couldn’t have taken it.

“I didn’t know. I always thought - hoped - that Even went to his friends when he disappeared.”

A flake of glitter had fallen off Eskild’s face and landed on the table. Isak fixed his eyes on it. It was hexagonal and emerald green. 

“Well he didn’t and -- wait, what? Disappeared?”

Isak nodded. The glitter on the table sparkled and shone like a star.

“Sometimes he went missing for days. Drinking, clubbing, fucking, I don’t know. Most of the times he didn’t remember where he had been or with who. I just assumed it was with his friends.”

“Why the fuck am I hearing about this now for the first time?”

Eskild tried to catch Isak’s eyes but he kept them at the glitter. If he looked up he’d be too ashamed to say anything.

“It was too embarrassing. I couldn’t keep my man happy. Plus it didn’t feel fair, you know? He was sick. It was his business, not mine.”

Eskild sighed.

“I don’t know where to start telling you how wrong you are.”

Isak shrugged.

“It started to feel normal after a while. It was my life. Our life. Between the episodes it was fucking perfect and I  _ loved _ him. It took me months to finally leave him.”

“Months? One night you were together, the next you moved to Mahdi’s couch.”

Isak shook his head. The glitter on the table lost the sharpness of its edges for a second.

“It was complicated. And shitty. And horrible. When Even quit his meds and therapy completely I just couldn’t stay invested anymore. I had to stay to take care of him, of course, I really really tried to, but it was..I can’t even say half the shit he pulled, it’s not fair to him. It wasn’t him.”

“Hold on”, Eskild said, still trying in vain to make Isak look at him. “How long was this going on?”

“I don’t know. Six months? Longer? It’s all just one fucking blob of black now. I’m a fucking blob of black. It’s like you said, Even loved me with all he had and it wasn’t enough.”

Eskild was very, very silent for a while.

“Fuck, Isak. I didn’t..I mean..that’s it. You’re telling me  _ everything _ .”

For a second Isak really wanted to. He wanted to puke out all the black and sick inside him, to liberate himself from it. But then he remembered that Tom was at the hospital because he fucking BIT him.

“I have a therapist.”

“Obviously they’re pretty shitty at their job. Almost as shitty as I am at being your friend. Fuck, Isak! You should’ve told me. About Even too, we could’ve helped him..”

Isak laughed. It was a dry, empty laugh.

“How do I tell people that my partner sells blowjobs in public bathrooms for rent money he spent on pointless shit he thought would make him rich? How do I tell them that I went with him to be his fucking pimp?” He laughed again, shaking his head. “How the fuck do you tell people that your life has been reduced to something so fucking pathetic that you don’t even have a life anymore, how you’ve been feeling so bad for so long that the only way to escape is pain, because that’s what you deserve and that’s what gives you fucking five seconds of peace.”

Isak’s hands were shaking. He wrapped them around the mug and was happy to find it still too hot to touch. He squeezed harder.

“You were absolutely right to warn me about Tom. I’m going to break him just the same as I broke Even.”

“Stop”, Eskild said. “You did not break Even.”

“When he met me he was doing okay. Mild episode here and there. He was going to be a director or producer or some other movie shit. Then I came along and now he’s a fucking cam whore.”

“Even’s not a cam whore.”

Isak laughed. This time it wasn’t empty or hollow laughter, it was something screeching and desperate.

“I have a session with him like five times a week. He tells me to beat myself or fuck myself with a ten inch dildo and that’s the only time I feel fucking alive anymore.”

Eskild didn’t say anything. For a long long time. Isak felt the mug burn his palms and listened to the sound of his breathing as the air got dragged into his black lungs. Breath by breath he was polluting the air in the kitchen, and very soon it’d contaminate Eskild as well. He should’ve tried to stop it from happening but he couldn’t.

“Are you having an affair with Even? Is that what you’re saying?”

Isak shook his head.

“Even doesn’t know it’s me. He doesn’t know I know he’s a camboy. I gave him to Tom for our anniversary and --”

“Wait, so Tom knows about Even?”

“No!” Isak snapped. He finally looked up, at Even. “It was a coincidence. Tom knows  _ nothing _ . It stays that way, do you fucking understand?”

Eskild licked his lips slowly, to swallow his initial words.

“Show me. Show me Even.”

“No!”

“Show him to me or I’ll tell Tom who he is.”

Horror sat down on Isak’s chest. It was heavy and cold and ruthless.

“I can’t”, Isak whimpered. “He’s the most popular, he doesn’t have..you must book him in advance.”

“Show me where you found him, then.”

Isak got his phone. He brought up the site and showed it to Eskild.

“Even is the one who does anything.”

Eskild took the phone and browsed for a minute.

“Isak. You don’t have a credit card.”

“Guess who we have to thank for that?”

Eskild shook his head.

“No, I mean. How did you pay this site? Five times a week is a shitload of money, even from a cheap shitsite like this one.”

Isak hadn’t ever looked at the prices. Not once. It hadn’t occurred to him. He’d just entered Tom’s credit card number in a frantic trance when he had booked his first session and.

“How much?” Isak whispered.

“How long have you been doing this?”

“Since our six month anniversary. June.”

Eskild sighed.

“Isak, you’d have maxed out any credit card that’s not platinum or gold by now. Tom knows. Or if he doesn’t know he’s about to find out.”

“Tom..knows?” Isak couldn’t fucking breathe. He was so tired of not being able to breathe, it was what people learned  _ first _ and he couldn’t do even that.

Eskild nodded. He put the phone down.

“You have to talk to him. With him. As soon as he gets home, okay? Tell him everything.”

“I can’t! He’ll leave me!”

“Then he will. He will leave you and you will come to live with me until we get you back on your feet.”

The weight on Isak’s chest finally crushed his thorax. His ribs shattered and punctured his lungs and all the black shit inside him started bleeding out in gushes, in waves. As he howled at the top of his lungs into the dark, without making a sound, he felt Eskild’s arms wrap around him. The sequins sparkled. Bits of glitter rained down on Isak. They shone like distant stars.


	8. Scattering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scattering is a general physical process where some forms of radiation, such as light, sound, or moving particles, are forced to deviate from a straight trajectory by one or more paths due to localized non-uniformities in the medium through which they pass.
> 
> \--
> 
> Isak had spent enough time with himself, flipping his switches and pushing his buttons, to know how his deranged brain worked. He was able to bypass it when necessary. The thought of the pain that he was about to feel drove him on, pulled him closer, he made a promise to himself that he’d make his body suffer later in equal amount. Now that Tom would not want to see him naked anymore he could finally leave marks.

Isak woke up to the sounds of silent conversation. He lay in their bed, still drained after spilling it all to Eskild earlier. He had told him everything. Eskild had cracked him. He’d been on the verge of breaking for so long and now that it had finally happened he didn’t feel the pain he’d been expecting to feel. He felt tranquility. His life was over. It was time to find out what the afterlife was like.

Isak sat up as quietly as he could. He couldn’t make out the words but recognised the voices. Tom was home, and he was talking with Eskild in the kitchen. Isak shivered. He didn’t want to face Tom. He had to face Tom.

He heard Tom and Eskild laugh at something together. He could’ve easily thought they were laughing at him. He chose not to. He had to, or he wouldn’t have been able to go through with this. Isak had spent enough time with himself, flipping his switches and pushing his buttons, to know how his deranged brain worked. He was able to bypass it when necessary. The thought of the pain that he was about to feel drove him on, pulled him closer, he made a promise to himself that he’d make his body suffer later in equal amount. Now that Tom would not want to see him naked anymore he could finally leave marks.

Isak snuck to the bathroom. He noticed that the razors were gone from their usual place on the edge of the sink. He looked into the mirror cabinet. Not there either.

“Motherfuckers”, he sighed. It stung, that they didn’t trust him with sharp objects. Or Eskild didn’t, Isak wasn’t sure if Tom had anything to do with this. Tom probably would’ve approved his punishment for all the shit Isak had been doing behind his back.

“Hey”, still semi-glittery Eskild said as Isak stepped to the kitchen door. “How are you feeling?”

Isak didn’t dare look at Tom. He half grunted, half shrugged. He wasn’t sure how he was feeling, not at all.

Eskild stood up and walked to Isak. He wrapped his arms around him and gave him a good squeeze.

“I must get going now. Talk to Tom. If I were you I’d start with your last night together with Even.”

Isak’s fingers clung to Eskild’s shirt.

“Please don’t go”, he whispered, suddenly terrified without knowing why. He was convinced that Tom would hurt him. He would kill him. Isak didn’t blame Tom for it, but he was a coward.

“You’ll be fine”, Eskild said, squeezing Isak again. “Just remember you’re loved. I really have to go now, I have places to be.”

Eskild squirmed his way out of Isak’s grip. Isak’s heart sank and the familiar spinning wheel of panic started making its rounds, hissing silently. He would die today. Things like that happened all the time, jealous boyfriends killed their partners for less than what Isak had done.

Eskild’s smile didn’t do much reassuring. Then he was gone.

“Isak”, Tom called from the dining table. “Please come here.”

Isak couldn’t feel his legs. He could barely breathe. When Tom stood up and started walking to him he backed up, hitting his back in the doorframe.

“Please don’t hurt me!” Isak whimpered. Tom froze mid-step.

“The only one here who wants to see you hurt is you, Isak”, Tom said finally. He had taken a long time to deliberate his words. “Shit. Why would you say something like that?”

Isak didn’t know. One more thing to add to the long list of things completely fucking alien to Isak Valtersen.

“Eskild asked me about my credit card balance. I suppose you know why.”

“Yes.” Isak bowed his head. He was so fucking ashamed. He had done the math with Eskild. “I’ll pay you back. As soon as I get a job.”

Tom sighed. That sound chipped a little piece off of Isak’s heart.

“It doesn’t matter. I can afford it. I just..stupid Eskild.”

Isak looked up, at Tom.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that Eskild didn’t have to tell you I know about your fetish. Fling. Whatever it is.”

Fetish. Fling. Shit, Tom didn’t know about Even. Fucking Eskild. Isak took a deep breath.

“I think we’d better sit down.”

As they settled down on their own separate couches Isak wrapped himself inside a blanket. He needed edges. Something that’d contain him.

“Why did you let me see him?” Isak asked. Tom shrugged.

“I thought it’d make you happy. I have had some periods myself where I’d see one camboy regularly. It’s just jerking off, really.”

Isak would’ve laughed if he wasn’t so sure that he’d just start crying instead.

“Tom he’s my ex. The crazy one. Even.”

Maybe he shouldn’t have opened with that. Tom’s face shattered his heart. It was a mixture of disbelief, surprise, disappointment and shame. Isak knew that expression from his own face when he looked at Even staggering home days after leaving.

“I should have told you right away. But I didn’t, I needed to..I needed to see him, know he’s okay, he was a fucking  _ cam whore _ . The love of my life was a --” Isak slapped his hand against his mouth. The love of his life. Fuck.

“I have a feeling I won’t like where this conversation is going”, Tom said. He sounded defeated.

“I love you”, Isak said.

“Whatever.”

Isak saw Tom’s face grow darker, slowly. Lucky he was used to darkness by now.

“Just..hear me out. Let me tell you about me and Even and how it ended. Okay?”

Tom shrugged. But didn’t protest.

“We met in Nissen. We were together since last fall.” It had been a long time. Important years in their lives, too, years that defined who they were. “I was straight..ish before we met. Even is - was - my first love, my first guy, my first everything.”

It took nearly two hours to tell Tom everything. But he listened. He really listened through it all, through Isak’s tears and long long pauses when he struggled to keep himself together. Through Isak’s stories about what he had asked of Even to make him do. Tom listened.

“Do you understand”, Tom said silently, after Isak had finished. “That now I’m you. And you’re Even.”

That made Isak cry again. Out loud. He just wailed, rocking himself back and forth, he wanted nothing more than Tom to come to him and comfort him. Tom didn’t move.

Until he did.

The kiss Tom gave him felt rehearsed. It was something thoughtfully considered and deliberate, not given in a fit of passion or lust. Isak tried to remember how long ago it was when they had last kissed like this, without him trying to make amends or seek punishment. He couldn’t.

After their lips parted Isak had stopped crying. Tom took his face between his hands and wiped his tears away with his thumbs.

“Please”, Isak whispered. Tom kissed him again.

As Tom pressed down against him Isak slipped his arms out from under the blanket. He wrapped them around Tom, pushing his palms down on his muscular back. His strong shoulders that could have been strong enough to carry Isak if he could have let him. Isak could feel the muscles contract and extend with Tom’s movements when he laid Isak down on the couch under him.

It shouldn’t have been possible, but Isak wanted this. He wanted this so bad, right here, in the living room, with Tom. He didn’t know when he had last orgasmed. He must have, he and Tom had a sex life, even though for Isak it had been quite hazy and disconnected. It hadn’t been like this. Now he was here, he was bare, and he wasn’t afraid.

Isak felt every nerve on his skin electrify by Tom’s fingertips. Wherever he touched, Isak lit up. And the light he radiated was pure and bright. The veil had been lifted, the lies between him and Tom were gone. The lies between Isak and himself, them as well.

“Make me come.” Isak opened his eyes and looked into Tom’s, feverish. “Please. Make me come.”

Something about the way Tom smiled made Isak gasp in delight. He pushed himself up and claimed that smile as his, on his lips. He traced it with the tip of his tongue and lapped it all up eagerly. He felt Tom shiver against him and it felt so fucking good. Even after everything, Tom still thought he was sexy.

Tom himself was sexy as hell. The way he enveloped Isak was like nothing else. Isak was warm in that embrace, he was safe, he grabbed Tom’s shirt and pulled it up over his head. Tom threw it on the floor and sat up, on Isak’s hips, straddling him but carrying his weight on his knees. When Isak looked up, Tom towering over him, he moaned softly.

“Get back here.”

Isak ran his fingers along Tom’s abs. He twirled them in the dark husk of hair under his belly button. For a fleeting second he was worried, worried that Tom would stop, that he would leave, but as Tom took Isak’s shirt off that worry faded away.

Tom’s hands were so warm on Isak’s body. They traveled up and down, counted his ribs, teased his nipples. Isak was gasping as Tom trailed his fingers lower, around his belly button, then to the button of his jeans.

“Please”, Isak gasped. He needed this so bad. He wanted this.

Isak’s knees turned to jelly as Tom smirked. Oh god was he going to make him beg?

“Please what?” Tom whispered.

Yes.

“Please take my dick out.” Isak reached out and grasped at Tom’s chest. Tom tilted his head and ran his finger along Isak’s bulge, making him moan.

“Do you mean this dick right here?”

“Yes.”

“This..hard, beautiful dick I’m touching?”

“Yes!”

“Your dick?”

“YES! Oh God Tom please..”

Tom leaned forward and placed his palm against Isak’s stomach, fingers pointing down. He pressed lightly and pushed his hand inside Isak’s already crowded jeans. His fingertips seemed to reach  _ everywhere _ and Isak was losing his fucking mind. He bucked his hips, trying to push up against Tom’s hand, but Tom placed his free hand on Isak’s hip bone.

“Shhhh.”

Isak stopped moving. He looked up at Tom, lips parted, eyes half closed. His dick was throbbing against the light touch of Tom’s fingers. He needed it. He needed it so bad.

“Please..” Isak whimpered, lips trembling. He saw how happy Tom was to tease him like this. It made him happy as well. It had been a long time since he had connected like this with Tom. It felt good.

Tom pulled his hand out and popped the button. Isak gasped sharply. As Tom tortured him with pulling the zipper s-l-o-w-l-y, tooth by tooth, Isak heard his heart beat fast and hard.

“Fuck, Tom..”

He wanted to grab his dick and pump it into oblivion. He wanted to explode all over, he wanted to come. Isak’s hand wandered towards his dick without his authorization, but Tom grabbed his wrist and moved his hand aside.

The last tooth. Isak’s jeans were officially unzipped. His underwear struggled to contain his hard-on, and as Tom suddenly slid to the floor and pressed his mouth against Isak’s bulge Isak arched his back.

“Fuck!”

He laid back down shivering and panting as Tom’s palm guided him. Tom moved his lips against his underwear, rubbing him through the fabric, it was so hard and so soft at the same time. So muffled and so loud. Waves of pleasure and anticipation mixed together as they ran through Isak.

Tom grabbed his underwear with his teeth and started pulling. It took him fucking forever but finally he released Isak’s cock from its prison. Isak whimpered as Tom ran the tip of his tongue along the underside, from the root to the tip, then around and back down again. Round after round, teasing him.

“Tom! PLEASE.”

Tom’s mouth was so hot and wet. It enclosed Isak’s dick, and as Tom started sucking Isak cried out in pleasure.

Then he stopped. Isak opened his eyes, flustered.

“Tom I’m begging you..”

Tom grabbed Isak’s jeans and yanked them off. Fucking yes.

“Fuck me.”

“No.” Tom shook his head.

Isak was confused and horny as hell. Not his brightest state, so luckily Tom kept talking.

“I’m going to take you. I’m going to make you come. But I don’t want to fuck you.”

Isak couldn’t protest because Tom kissed him so deep. And he grabbed his dick and started working. He made Isak twitch and whine again, at the brink of insanity, then he stopped again.

“Oh come on!” Isak moaned.

“Lube, Isak. I’ll be right back.”

Tom got up and left Isak’s side. Isak laid still, his hands in his hair, eyes closed. He focused on his need, his throbbing cock, he felt his outlines along his skin and for a split second he was whole.

That split second was all he needed. He opened his eyes and sat up.

“Tom”, he said softly. “It’s okay.”

Tom entered the living room, lube in hand.

“What do you mean?”

“That was fucking hot and I’m really grateful for it but I don’t want to continue.”

Isak felt calm. And horny. But as the horniness cooled off he was feeling more and more calm. Tom didn’t hate him. They wouldn’t make this but it was, in its own sad way, okay.

Tom nodded slowly. He put the lube down and went to the kitchen.

“You need to eat, Isak.”

“Yeah. A sandwich would be fucking great right about now.” Isak packed himself into his underwear and pulled his jeans back on. When he zipped up he had already gone soft. He walked to the kitchen. Tom was indeed making him a sandwich.

“It’s over, isn’t it?” Isak asked.

Tom nodded, focusing on the sandwich.

“Yes. I’m sorry.”

“I can’t get an apartment very fast”, Isak sighed. “Even ruined my credit.”

“You made a great effort in ruining mine.”

That was a low blow. But it was true. Isak closed his eyes and jumped a bit when Tom hugged him.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Ever.”

“I made a great effort on that as well.”

Tom squeezed him a bit harder. Then he let go, slowly.

“I’m sleeping on the couch. Tomorrow I’ll move into a hotel, we have a great deal at work.”

“Are you sure?” Isak asked. “Eskild said I could crash at his place.”

Tom finished preparing the sandwich and placed it on the dining table.

“I’m sure. But it’s your decision. I think it’d be good for you to have someone to watch over you, but this is your home.”

Isak shook his head, tearing up. He wanted to tell Tom that no, this never was his home. That he has had only one home, ever, and it went down in ruins years ago. But he didn’t say it. It would have been cruel. Tom deserved better.

“I’m so sorry. You’re a wonderful man.”

“I try.” Tom poured Isak a glass of water. “Eat your sandwich, Isak.”

After Isak had wolfed down the food Tom made him two more. Isak ate those to the last crumb.

“I’m exhausted”, Isak said. “Can I go back to bed?”

“I can’t see why not.”

They didn’t look at eachother anymore. But as Isak stepped past Tom he reached out and stroked Isak’s cheek.

“Sleep tight.”

Isak brushed his lips lightly against Tom’s hand and kept going. He walked to the bedroom and fell into the bed, asleep before he even hit the sheets.


	9. Prism

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak groaned. But he didn’t protest. He knew that he could not be responsible of himself at the moment, it simply wasn’t safe. He had been alone for less than 48 hours and he ended up almost needing stitches. Eskild had done a great job with Even years ago, Isak hoped he hadn’t lost his touch.
> 
> AKA.
> 
> The One Where They Finally Talk

Eskild zipped the bag closed.

“Are you ready?”

Isak nodded.

“As long as I don’t need to leave your room if I don’t feel like it.”

Isak didn’t want to see anybody. He wanted to be alone. But the stinging, prickly pain in his ankle worked as a good reminder of why it wasn’t wise. He had scared the shit out of himself when he had seen all the blood just gushing out. He had panicked and called Eskild and now his bags were packed so he could move into the Kollektivet indefinitely.

“No promises”, Eskild said and flung the bag on his shoulder. “You’ve been cooped up here for weeks, it’s obviously not good for you. Tom might’ve let you get away with not leaving the house even weekly, but I won’t.”

Isak groaned. But he didn’t protest. He knew that he could not be responsible of himself at the moment, it simply wasn’t safe. He had been alone for less than 48 hours and he ended up almost needing stitches. Eskild had done a great job with Even years ago, Isak hoped he hadn’t lost his touch.

“Is this everything? I can come back if you forgot something, but I’d rather not.”

Isak let his eyes wander around the apartment. He didn’t have much stuff to begin with, mostly clothes. Everything else here was Tom’s, except. Isak blushed fiercely.

“My box.”

“Your box?” Eskild tilted his head.

“I have this secret box where I keep my..things. Well, I suppose they’re technically Tom’s things since I used his credit card to order them but..”

“Oh for fuck’s sake Isak”, Eskild sighed. “Just go get them so we can leave.”

“But..can I just take them?”

“I’m pretty sure that Tom doesn’t want to keep your used toys.”

“You sure? It’s not like he hasn’t put his tongue in --”

“NOT LISTENING. Just get the box already!”

Isak retrieved the box and packed it carefully in an opaque plastic bag. Eskild grabbed it bravely.

“I don’t think these are safe in your hands for now, sorry.”

“I don’t need a fucking babysitter”, Isak growled.

“Oh, but you do. Off we go, then.”

Eskild opened the door and dragged the bags and Isak out to the street. The sun was shining. The streets were full of people, going to places and seeing their friends, and for the first time in a long time Isak kind of noticed that he had been blocked away from the world and it had gone on without him. It felt scary. Lonely.

Eskild gave him a nudge with his shoulder.

“Come along now. It’s a nice day, we can walk there.”

“Fine. But I won’t be happy about it.”

They had walked a couple of blocks when Isak’s phone beeped. He dug it out and looked at the notification. He stopped.

“What the..”

Eskild looked at him over his shoulder and stopped as well.

“What is it?”

Isak opened the message and read it. Then he read it again. And again.

“Isak don’t make me invade your privacy. Tell me!”

“It’s from Tom”, Isak managed to say. “He says ‘My treat, enjoy’ and I don’t..”

Isak’s phone beeped again. It was a passcode and a timeframe.

The sun was shining. People walked and ran and laughed and were happy. Isak stood on the sidewalk with his phone on his ear, calling Tom again and again.

 

Isak sat in front of Eskild’s battered old laptop and stared at the counter.

“Are you sure about this? I mean, I could --”

“No. Eskild, I  _ must _ see him.”

“I’m not going anywhere so no kinky sex stuff, okay?”

“Not fucking funny.”

“I know.” Eskild sighed and placed his hand on Isak’s. Gave it a comforting squeeze. “I’m sorry. For my shitty joke and for this..whatever this is. Believe me, if it’s Even, I’m going to kill Tom.”

Before Isak could answer the camera went on. It was Even, of course it was, who else could it have been? He looked terrible. Bruised, everywhere, his skin was more black and blue than its normal pale creaminess. The bruises were about a day old and looked like they were made with a stick or something. Even smiled, like always, his smile was as flawless as ever.

“Hey honey, what do you want to do today?”

Isak couldn’t stop staring. His hands shook against the keyboard, they made this rattling sound, or maybe it was his breathing.

“Sugar? Can you see me?” Even leaned closer. Isak could tell that it hurt him to move, that he was in pain.

‘Yes. Who did that to you?’

Even’s smile faded. It was still there, the rehearsed arch of his lips, but there was none of it left in his expression otherwise.

“Tell me my name.”

Isak felt sick to his stomach. If Eskild hadn’t been there, holding his shoulder, his other hand in a white knuckled fist, Isak couldn’t have done this. But he was anchored. He wasn’t alone. Eskild wouldn’t let him do anything to himself, he wouldn’t have to cut too deep. Isak clicked on the camera icon and saw his face appear in the upper corner of the screen. He looked white as a ghost.

“Your name is Even Bech Næsheim and I’m so fucking sorry.”

“Hang up.”

“No.”

“Fucking hang up! I can’t, so you have to.”

Isak noticed that Eskild had backed away so he wouldn’t show on the camera. He hovered by the door, keeping an eye on him, but his aura didn’t seem pleased of his duty.

“Did Tom do this to you?”

“Who the fuck is Tom?”

“The guy who told you it’s me. Did he do this to you?”

Even didn’t say anything. That meant that he didn’t say no. Isak felt tears burn his eyes.

“Fuck. Even I’m so sorry. Even..” Just saying his name felt both wonderful and horrible. Even looked at him, his image, in deep thought, then he nodded barely visibly. He had made up his mind.

“We started small. With this.” Even pulled out a cane. He ran its tip along his bruised thigh. “It just stings. It doesn’t really hurt.”

“Even, please.”

Even didn’t listen to Isak’s pleas. When the cane smacked against the already tortured flesh Isak flinched.

“It’s nothing, really.” Even hit himself again, expressionless, then he put the cane away. “But this one. This one fucking hurts.”

Isak stared at the nightstick on Even’s hand. No. No no no fucking no.

“Even stop.”

Isak jumped and whimpered when Even whacked the bed. It made a loud thud.

“I hit. He said again. I hit. Again. He seemed to be really enjoying himself. He likes caning but I’ve never seen him that hard before.”

Isak was crying now. And he was ashamed of it. His pain was nothing compared to Even’s and Even’s pain was his fault. As Even raised the stick Isak covered his mouth with his hands, shaking his head.

“That’s enough.” Hearing Eskild speak nearly gave Isak a heart attack. He appeared on the screen next to Isak. “Even, just stop. We’re not disconnecting. If you want to beat the shit out of yourself, go ahead. But we’re here, and we’re. Not. Leaving.”

Even looked lost for a moment. He looked like himself, his old self. Isak’s heart fluttered.

“Even please. I just want to talk with you.”

Even chuckled grimly.

“That’d be a change of pace. Has Eskild heard about our little games?”

“Yes, he has”, Eskild stated. He was mad. And..bored? Something like that. “And he happens to know why, because he fucking  _ listened _ to Isak. I get it, you’re pissed, and so was I, but you two have so much more in common than you know. And now is the time we mediate. At least so you two can decide who you should be angry at and for what actual reasons.”

Eskild pulled back again. Isak looked at Even because he couldn’t look at himself.

“I’m angry at myself. For a fucking reason.”

“Of course for a reason! You fucking  _ used _ me!” Even raised his voice. At least he had stopped looking like a whore and started to look like himself.

“I’m sorry”, Isak whispered.

“For weeks! Or was it longer? How long have you been letting me make a fool out of myself?”

“June. Since June.”

“You know what name I had for you in my head?” Even laughed, silently and without joy, shaking his head. Isak swallowed.

“What?”

“You were the only fucking one who didn’t want to hurt me. So I called you Ed.”

Isak laughed as well. Not at Even, but at this fucking absurdity.

“When I asked your name and you said whatever I want, I  _ wanted _ to say Vivian. But you would’ve known.”

“In a heartbeat.” Even looked at Isak, then sighed. “Do you know how much it fucking hurts to think about the things I asked you to do to yourself?”

“About as much as it hurts to think about what you do for a living?”

“Oh, so you want to keep score?” Was that a twinkle in Even’s eye? Short lived and dim, but maybe..it was there?

“No. Please, fuck, no. I want to meet you. Not alone. I miss you so much it hurts and if we..it wouldn’t be good for either of us, would it?”

“I’ll come.” Eskild’s voice made Isak jump again. “I promise I won’t say anything. I can wait in the bathroom or something and when you two start making sex sounds I’ll come to the rescue.”

Even rolled his eyes.

“What does he mean  _ when _ ?”

Isak couldn’t stop himself from smiling, just a little.

“I seriously have no idea.”

The connection was still there. The good, the love, Isak could feel it. At least from his side.

“I can come over tomorrow night. If that’s not Eskild’s room then I’m the fucking Pope. It looks like a truck of neon paint crashed into the glitter delivery van.”

“Hey!”

Isak chuckled. This felt ridiculously good. He knew it wouldn’t last, so he enjoyed it now he could.

“Okay. Tomorrow night. I’ll be here. At the Kollektivet.” He had to verify, just in case.

Even nodded.

“I’m off duty at around ten.”

Even looked at the counter on his screen. Then he leaned back on the bed. Not inviting, but relaxed.

“So, have you seen any good movies lately?”


	10. Radar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eskild was making sense. They didn’t even know how far Even had to travel to get here. But sense and Isak and his fears and hopes didn’t really fit into same space at once. He stood up, again, third time in as many minutes, and walked to the window to look down on the street. Still no sight of Even.  
> “Why don’t you just stay there?”  
> “Because that’d be pathetic”, Isak muttered and stepped back.

Isak was a nervous wreck. Thoughts and emotions bounced around his head and heart like a whirlwind of fear, love and loathing. He  _ knew _ that he could not get back together with Even, he was pretty sure that he didn’t want to, either, but. There was the but, one of all buts: but Isak  _ loved _ him. In movies that would’ve been enough. In real life, not so much. Eskild had asked him to make a list of things that made it impossible for him to be with Even, and the list was starting to look pretty long.

Eskild was leaning against the kitchen counter and playing with his phone, frantically. Messages, back and forth, rapid fire. Isak just assumed it was about work. Eskild wasn’t irreplaceable but still rather important, and the kids he helped knew they could DM him anytime, about anything. By the look on his face it was something dark, but most of the times with those kids it was. Safe houses were there for a reason.

Isak sighed and looked at the back of the envelope that now mapped his future. There was so much. So many things, small things when thought about on their own, but now that Isak saw them all together at the same time they were an army of shit and suck. He could not live with all of them.

Eskild had been very vocal about the list needing to be about things Isak himself could not change. About Even and his behaviour, or about the things that just seemed to happen when they were together. In his mind Isak had written another list, one that listed all of his own shortcomings in their relationship. That was a rather long one as well.

“Isak”, Eskild said. “There’s something I’d like to show you.”

Isak looked up. Eskild looked less pissed and more sad. Defeated, in a way, and that was something Isak did not see often. Eskild was a fucking well of faith and confidence, and this dry spell was a bit scary.

“What is it?” Isak asked bravely.

“First you must promise me that you’ll take a look. I think it’s important. You do trust me, right?”

“At the moment less and less. Shit, you’re scaring me.”

Eskild sighed. It was a very specific sigh, reserved for teenagers who were acting out and Isaks who were being difficult.

“I’ve come to understand that you know I would not willingly and knowingly harm you. I’ve been talking with Tom and I think you should read these messages before seeing Even.”

Isak winced.

“Fucking no.”

Eskild placed his phone on the table in front of Isak.

“Please. I really think you need to see this.”

Isak looked down at the screen. Messages, between Eskild and Tom. Isak didn’t want to read them but he knew Eskild wouldn’t budge. He looked at the list on the envelope. He looked at the list inside his head. He looked at the drawer where they kept the knives.

Isak grabbed the phone, leaned back and started scrolling. Eskild had positioned the thread for him so he could read the message from the previous night first. Isak took a little peak at earlier and after seeing the walls of text of Eskild yelling at Tom he decided that he had an ally and that he could do this.

He started scrolling down.

 

E:  
I WEILL FUCKING KILL U

E:  
WTF I THOUGHT U WERE A GOOD GUY

E:  
WHO THE FUCK MAKES PEOPLE DO THAT

T:  
Did Isak see him?

E:  
DUDE WHAT YES

T:  
Did Even tell him?

E:  
I CONSIDERED LOCKING HIM INTO MY ROOM

E:  
WITH FUCKING MITTENS TAPED ON HIS HANDS

E:  
JESUS TOM

T:  
Did. Even. Tell. Him?

E:  
YEs

T:  
Did they talk?

E:  
Y R U ASKING I’M NOT DONE WITH SCREAMING AT U YET

T:  
I don’t have to explain myself to you.

E:  
U FUCKING BETTER

T:  
Just tell me did Isak talk with Even or not

E:  
Y

T:  
Is that a yes or a why? Seriously, Eskild, you need to learn to text like adults.

E:  
F U

T:  
I told him about Isak so that they would fucking talk. Isak needs to talk to him. Did he?

E:  
As if u care abt Isak

T:  
I fucking love him asshole

E:  
U BROKE HIM

T:  
He was already broken.

T:  
He still is.

T:  
And he needs to talk to Even. Can you make that happen somehow? You can use my credit card for another session.

E:  
U don’t have the right to pretend u did nothing wrong. ENJOY???? EVENS BRUISES????

T:  
I had every reason to be pissed and you know it.

T:  
I’m not proud of what I did.

E:  
Even said u were hard

T:  
Well, have you _seen_ him?

E:  
EW stop ew hes my friend and WTF IS WRONG WITH U

T:  
I like to pay to see whores do bad things. I’m not forcing anyone and I always pay in full.

E:  
U cheated on Isak with his ex!!!!

T:  
I didn’t know that!

T:  
Plus it’s not cheating, it’s just jerking off.

T:  
It’s not like I had anything real with them, they’re just for fun.

E:  
NEVER TXT ME AGAIN I MEAN IT

Contact blocked

 

Isak put the phone down. His brain was buzzing.

“Why did you block him? I thought you didn’t want to lose a friend over me.”

Eskild sighed.

“I don’t want to be friends with someone who doesn’t think camboys are real people.”

Isak wanted to say something to defend Tom. He had been really, really shitty to him and he had not forced anyone into anything..Even’s profile says that anything goes. But at the same time Isak knew he was just making excuses. Tom had told Eskild he loved him. And that he was broken. Isak believed both of those things to be true.

“He really wanted me to talk to Even.”

“And that’s what I wanted you to see. Tom is an asshole and an idiot but he doesn’t hate you and you need to know that.”

Isak was so ashamed and embarrassed but he really would have liked it if Tom was there and held him in his strong arms. He didn’t know where he’d stopped if he could’ve turned back time. Did that make him a bad person?

Most of the things he pulled did.

“I miss him”, Isak sniffled into his sleeve.

“Oh Issy. Of course you do. He’s been good to you..hasn’t he? Did he hurt you?” Eskild’s rage started to build up again. His face grew dark and grim.

“No! Never! Not even if I asked..well, I didn’t  _ ask _ ask but really tried to lead him on and nothing.”

Tempest Eskild calmed down. For now, at least.

“Seriously, that fucking..I knew he was loyal as hell to his own but I had no idea he thought that little of others.”

Isak pulled his legs against himself. He rested his heels on the edge of the chair and picked on some threads hanging from his jeans. He felt small and fragile and fucking useless.

“I didn’t mean for anyone to get hurt but me.”

“I know, Issy. But that’s still one person too many. Why do you want to hurt yourself?”

There it was. The question Isak had dreaded. At the same time it was a question that should not exists because it was so pointless, the answer was so  _ obvious _ , and at the same time it was a question he could not really answer.

“Because I deserve it. It’s the only time I make any sense. When being me makes sense.”

“I thought you’d been better. Didn’t the therapy help you?”

Isak shook his head.

“It did. I stopped going, I was better and then. Then all this with Even happened and. I was so horrible. I needed to make up for it.”

“So you started to hurt yourself again?”

Isak nodded. He couldn’t look at Eskild. He didn’t want to talk to Eskild but something about his presence made it seem like the only option.

“How often do you self harm?” Eskild’s voice was calm and respectful. He was good at his job even off duty.

“I don’t know”, Isak mumbled.

“More than every week?”

Isak nodded.

“Every day?”

“Many times.” Fuck. It was so pathetic. He was a grown ass man and he made himself hurt because he couldn’t live with himself. Useless.

“What do you do?” Eskild didn’t sound shocked at all. Or judgemental. He was just asking. That made it somewhat easier to answer, but it still wasn’t easy.

“Anything that doesn’t leave marks. Hot water. Cold water. Beating, twisting, squeezing, pulling.” Isak brushed at his wounded ankle with his fingertips. “When I called you I tried a knife for the first time. I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing.”

“I hope you understand that that needs to stop immediately.”

Isak’s eyes filled with tears. He pressed his forehead on his knees. Eskild sounded so fucking  _ kind _ that he couldn’t take it.

“I don’t know if I can”, he admitted, in a whisper.

“If you can’t, then you must”, Eskild stated. “As you know, mittens are on the table.”

That pulled a short giggle out of Isak. Yes, he could imagine Eskild taping mittens on him by force.

“Issy, I’m serious.”

When Isak looked up at Eskild he knew that he meant what he was saying.

“I’ll try. I’ll really, really try but I have tried and failed before.”

“If you feel you need to hurt yourself, I want you to text me the reason why that’s necessary. I will not grant or deny you permission, but I want to know. How does that sound?”

Isak shook his head, horrified. No. He could not. He would not.

“I’m sorry. I know what you’re trying to do but I can’t, I just can’t.”

He wanted to pick the scab on his ankle again. He wanted to dig his fingernails into the wound and twist. But he couldn’t, with Eskild watching him from the other side of the table.

“Alright then. I’m putting you under the Watch. I’m sorry.”

Tom was right, Isak thought, bitterly. He really had become Even. And now that he knew what it was like he hated himself even more. But he didn’t resist Eskild’s orders. He was scared that Eskild wouldn’t let him meet Even if he resisted. He was scared that Eskild was having second thoughts about it right now.

“You’re really nervous about meeting Even, aren’t you?”

Isak nodded. He was.

“I’m fucking terrified. And most of all I’m scared that he won’t come.”

Isak blushed. He was ashamed to admit that it was actually very likely that Even would just not show up. He was ashamed to admit how he would react to it, even though he knew it would happen.

“I think he will. If he won’t, I’ll find him and drag him by force. I know where he works - for now.”

Isak sighed. Though Eskild’s certainty did bring him some comfort, it also upped the stakes. Now Even bailing out would mean two broken hearts, not just one, and for some reason Isak felt responsible for Even’s bullshit. After all this time. Isak grabbed a pen and added that to the list Eskild made a brave effort not to read.

“You know what”, Eskild said. “I’m feeling like a milkshake. How about you?”

A milkshake. Isak shrugged, confused.

“Uhhhh..sure?”

“Get busy, then. Two milkshakes, go. Everything is still at the same places as always.”

Eskild leaned back on his chairs and gave Isak an expectant look. Isak rolled his eyes and groaned.

“You tricked me, you lazy bastard.”

Eskild winked, crossing his arms behind his neck. Isak huffed but put his legs down and stood up.

By the time the milkshakes were done and the kitchen counter was in a state of utter mess, Isak had completely forgotten that he was supposed to hurt himself. As he rinsed the mixer he didn’t even notice its sharp blades. He didn’t shove his hand in it, he didn’t use too hot water to “accidentally” scald himself. He just cleaned up and then sat down to enjoy his milkshake with his friend and it was really fucking nice.

 

Isak glanced at the clock.

“He’s not coming.”

“Oh, shush you”, Eskild said. “Of course he is.”

“It’s ten thirty.” Isak was sure. Even was not coming. He was a fucking idiot who got his hopes up for no reason and then crashed down, and the steepness of the fall was his own doing.

“Isak, he finished working at ten. And with his bruises I don’t think he moves too swiftly.”

Yes. Eskild was making sense. They didn’t even know how far Even had to travel to get here. But sense and Isak and his fears and hopes didn’t really fit into same space at once. He stood up, again, third time in as many minutes, and walked to the window to look down on the street. Still no sight of Even.

“Why don’t you just stay there?”

“Because that’d be pathetic”, Isak muttered and stepped back. “What if he saw me?”

“I thought that was kind of the point of this meeting.”

Isak took a pillow from the couch and threw it at Eskild. As it hit his head it made a ring.

“Fuck!” Isak whispered, wide eyed. Someone was at the door.

“I’ll get it”, Eskild said and went to open the door. Isak didn’t know what to do with himself. He didn’t have time to make up his mind before the door opened and he saw Even. There he was, hood on his head, his hip popped  _ just so _ and Isak melted into a puddle on the floor. He sat down because he had to.

“Hey”, Even said sheepishly to Eskild. “Thanks for your messages.”

Eskild wrapped his arms around Even and hugged him tight. Isak could see over Eskild’s shoulder that it hurt Even but neither of them said anything.

“Get in here you fool”, Eskild said and pulled Even inside before closing the door.

Isak fingered his sleeve and stared openly at Even. He was gorgeous. Thank heavens Eskild was here to keep them at bay, Isak thought as Even entered the living room and looked into his eyes. It was still there. The pull. The force between them.

“Hey”, Isak whispered.

“Hey,” Even replied and sat down on the other couch. He hid his pain well.

The spell was broken by a loud ringing. It was Eskild’s phone, and because it ringed instead of blasting out Britney it was from work. At this hour it was an emergency. Eskild answered it and listened increasingly worried, then said he’d be there right away.

“I must go”, Eskild said, trying frantically to find a matching pair of shoes. “It can take all night. Please, for the love of god, if you do fuck then at least talk afterwards. Even, don’t let Isak hurt himself. Isak, don’t let Even leave until I get back. Understood?”

They both nodded. Then the door slammed shut and Eskild was gone.

They looked at eachother. They were very, very quiet for a long time.

Isak had no idea which one of them got up first.


	11. Resonance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As they waited for the pills to kick in Isak sat on the couch with Even’s head on his lap. Even looked up at him, Isak looked rarely down. It felt so good to be like this, with Even, their bodies still clicked together seamlessly, but there was this huge pack of elephants in the room with them and Isak just wanted to panic. He really, really wanted to be swallowed by a black whirlpool but no, Even held his hand and Isak was anchored to the dock. The waves could splash into his face and soak him but he couldn’t be swept away and drowned.

There was a story Isak liked telling himself.

During these long, dark months the story had changed. It had evolved, twisting into itself and exploding out again, but its grasp of him was ruthless, never changing, never ending.

That story ended with a kiss.

 

“God, I missed you”, Isak mumbled against Even’s lips. Those beautiful, full lips that trembled against his over and over again. Isak wanted to press himself against Even, feel his body with his own, but even if Eskild could have forgotten, even for a second, Isak could not. He saw Even’s bruises through his clothes and kept his distance.

Even broke the kiss, gasping.

“Did you enjoy what I made you do?”

Isak did not want to answer Even’s question. He tried to reach his lips again with his, but Even evaded. He looked into Isak’s eyes and his eyes were so fucking blue.

“Tell me.”

“It was the only time I felt alive. When I felt anything but shit. It was what I needed but no, it did not give me pleasure.” Isak wanted to look away when he saw the sadness in Even’s eyes. But he couldn’t. “Did you enjoy it?”

Even shrugged.

“It was..different. I really started to look forward to Ed and making someone understand.” Even paused. He looked somewhere over Isak’s shoulder. Isak felt his warmth, they were standing so close, barely touching. “One time I almost asked. I don’t know why it occurred to me that you might be Ed. But I didn’t ask because there was a one in a million chance that it was you and that was unbearable.”

Unbearable. Isak swallowed.

“I do understand. What it’s like to just..I don’t know, fucking lose yourself. To spiral. I wanted to stop but I just couldn’t. I can’t.”

Even nodded, solemnly.

“I just..fuck, Even, you  _ know _ what I’m talking about. Like when I said I can’t talk to my therapist because they’d ask me to stop, I saw you got it.”

Even nodded again. He touched Isak’s hair, a wisp of curls at his temple.

“Now, can I fucking kiss you again?”

Isak didn’t wait for an answer. He went for it, wholeheartedly, and this time access wasn’t denied. Even opened his mouth just a little, enough for Isak to give his lower lip a little pull with his lips. He moaned. Or maybe it was Isak himself, he wasn’t sure anymore. Nevertheless, that sound drove him nuts, pushed him on, demanding. He took advantage of the open passage and slipped his tongue inside Even’s mouth. It was a warm welcome. Even’s tongue came to receive his, touch it, graze it, dance with it. Then Even made a sound that forced Isak to notice how hard he was pushing himself against him. Isak pulled back.

“Shit! Sorry!”

Even grimaced.

“I’m starting to think it wasn’t worth the money..do you guys have any weed?”

Isak laughed in disbelief.

“I really, really think we should not get high together. But I have some strong pills for my ankle.” Shit. He hoped Even wouldn’t ask.

“What’s wrong with your ankle?”

Isak sighed, looking at the floor.

“Nothing. Do you want the pills or not?”

“Only if you tell me why you have them.”

“You’ll see when you get me naked, okay?” Isak didn’t want to say it aloud. To tell Even how pathetic he was. How useless, thirteen-year-olds cut themselves with ease and managed to fuck that up.

Even smiled. There was a mystery in his smile, it said “we shall see” even though Even stayed silent. Then he nodded.

“Seems fair. I’ll take two.”

As they waited for the pills to kick in Isak sat on the couch with Even’s head on his lap. Even looked up at him, Isak looked rarely down. It felt so good to be like this, with Even, their bodies still clicked together seamlessly, but there was this huge pack of elephants in the room with them and Isak just wanted to panic. He really, really wanted to be swallowed by a black whirlpool but no, Even held his hand and Isak was anchored to the dock. The waves could splash into his face and soak him but he couldn’t be swept away and drowned.

“What’s up, baby?”

Isak’s stomach curled tighter. Even must have noticed it, his ear was right against it. If Isak said nothing, or that he was okay, it wouldn’t pass.

“I miss you. I miss  _ this _ you.” Isak tried hard to make it not sound like he was accusing Even of something, but he wasn’t too successful. He  _ was _ accusing Even. Blaming him. And he knew how unfair it was.

“So do I.”

“Why the fuck are you a camboy Even? You have to stop that. Eskild will never let you continue and you really shouldn’t either.”

Even closed his eyes. He was really trying, Isak could tell. He really appreciated the effort.

“I had to make money fast. And you know the other reason.”

Isak nodded. He knew the other reason, he had been in the same dark place Even was. He was still in there.

“You need to stop”, he pleaded, again.

“I still need the money baby. And I am good at my work, and I get to perform on camera..”

Isak sighed.

“Even, no. We’ll figure something out. You’re not alone in this anymore and neither am I.” Eskild was already involved and Isak was pretty sure that their other friends would come to help too. No matter how distant they now were, he  _ knew _ he could always call Jonas or Magnus or even Mikael if he only had the guts. Somehow helping Even made the idea of calling them easier.

“Good pills, man.” Even changed the subject. Isak let him, for now.

“Are they working?”

Even nodded.

“Mm-hmm. Feels a lot better already. Why do you have them?”

Shit. The subject was changed but for the worse.

But this had to start somewhere.

“I tried to cut myself. But you know how I am with kitchen utensils.”

Even chuckled before he could stop himself.

“That’s  _ wrong _ Isak! God!”

Isak smiled too.

“Yeah well anyhow it went south, I panicked and called Eskild and he dragged me to the clinic. I didn’t even need stitches. It was horrible! I was so ashamed, I couldn’t do even that right and --”

Even pressed his finger against Isak’s lips. Isak fought the urge to suck at it.

“I get it, baby. It’s okay.”

Isak lost the fight. He wrapped his lips around Even’s fingertip and suckled lightly. Even made a silent surprised ‘oh’ and Isak’s body lit up again. It was more a light than a fire. It drove away the darkness. Isak knew that the dark would return as soon as the light faded, but now he basked in it and closed his eyes. He pushed his head down a bit, taking Even’s finger deeper.

As Isak moved his tongue along Even’s long index finger he heard silent moans. When he felt Even turn his hand so he could grab his jaw with his thumb and other fingers Isak moaned as well. Even stroked his tongue slowly, Isak sucked harder, his breathing heavy and jeans crowded under Even’s head.

Even turned his head and lifted Isak’s shirt up. He pressed his lips on Isak’s stomach and now a wave indeed swept Isak away. The ripples ran against his skin, they made his nipples hard and his hips nudge. He opened his eyes and looked down at Even, his lips against his skin, and he was fucking beautiful.

“Eskild’s room”, Isak said huskily. “They could get home anytime.” Isak had been introduced to the new residents, but they weren’t yet so well acquainted that Isak would’ve liked them to walk in on them like this.

Even’s eyes twinkled.

“Are you suggesting we fuck in Eskild’s bed?”

“It’s either that or the kitchen counter.”

Even moaned against Isak’s stomach.

“Fffuck that’d be hot. But privacy is key now, yeah.”

“You’re sexy when you’re admitting I’m right.”

Even got up and offered his hand. Isak grabbed it and pulled himself on his feet. Even surprised him, he didn’t let go but kept pulling, taking advantage of Isak’s momentum and made him fall against his chest.

“Gotcha”, Even said, pleased with himself, and wrapped his arms around Isak. Then he kissed him, like they do in the movies, full of passion and gusto. Isak’s knees buckled. Fuck, he wanted this man so bad.

“Eskild’s..” Isak mumbled between the kisses. “..room..now.”

They moved with such ease, lips still locked in the kiss, they didn’t need to think about it at all, just walk together to the door and through it. Isak moaned louder when Even pressed his back against the door with his body.

Even tried to turn the lights on but Isak pushed his hand away from the switch.

“I want to see you”, Even protested.

“You have seen me a million times. I still look the same.”

Even sniffed at the side Isak’s neck and nibbled at his earlobe.

“No, you don’t”, he whispered and flicked the switch while Isak was distracted.

“Fuck you’re gorgeous”, Even sighed and kissed him again.

Isak was a bit nervous. Even was the most perfect man ever crafted, but he was also bruised up badly. Isak didn’t want to see them, the reminders of his shortcomings. Not now.

“Even, your bruises..” Isak whispered, blushing with shame. They were his fault, he should have carried the consequences. Taken responsibility.

“Shit”, Even hissed. “They stopped aching and I forgot about them. Sorry.”

Even turned the light off again. Isak relaxed immediately. The room was still dimly lit, it was summer and the nights were light, but now the colours wouldn’t scream at him. Isak hadn’t noticed his shoulders had cramped before they released. Even stroked them softly.

“Are you sure?” he whispered. Isak almost died.

“Yes! For once, in a million years, I’m sure.” He basically crushed Even’s lips with his, climbed up his torso and straddled him. He was sure. He was sure and he was so, so horny.

Even seemed to like his enthusiasm. At least he laughed, purring, and backed up towards the bed.

“Do you want to fuck me?” Even asked.

“I want to fuck you so bad”, Isak gasped between his kisses on Even’s neck. He pulled the hood down and ran his fingers through Even’s hair. It was like silk. It smelled so good, it smelled like Even.

“Alright then.”

He really meant it. He wanted this too, he wasn’t agreeing out of oblication or for money, Isak could hear it. Even’s voice traveled from Isak’s eardrums straight to his cock. It was hard, throbbing, he wanted this so much. Actually wanted this, for him, not for anybody else or for any other reason than his own radiant lust. Even sat down to the bed and Isak pushed him on his back. 

“I want to taste you”, Isak pleaded. Even reached up and put his hands on Isak’s shoulders, pushing him down. He took that as a yes. Isak kneeled to the floor on front of Even and fought his wonderful dick out of his jeans and underwear. He gasped at the sight of it, at the scent, he grabbed it firmly and took its tip into his mouth. Even moaned softly, his body moving up and down on the bed in waves, his back arched.

“Fuck, baby..that’s so good.”

Isak purred in delight. He took Even in deeper, rubbing him with his tongue. He tasted amazing. He made mad sexy sounds. Isak moved his head up and down, sucking him hard, he used his hands to tease Even’s nude - god they were so smooth and soft - balls and shaft.

It was kind of a good thing that Even was so beaten up. That made Isak be gentle with him, despite the turmoil of his raw passion. It made him less frantic and more focused, he could really take in all the touches, scents and sounds. He wasn’t busy  _ doing _ , so he had time for feeling. Being really present. It was like in the first months with Even, when he was just a kid, getting to know their bodies, his and Even’s. Now he was getting to know them all over again, and he really, really liked it.

Isak missed that body. He loved this dick but he missed Even’s body so he let go and crawled back up on the bed, kissing his way up Even’s torso to his lips. He brought Even’s shirt with him and with some squirming Even was free from it. Isak’s fingers traveled ever so lightly along that skin, and the ripples of shivers they sent travelled also to his own spine, making him moan again.

Their kiss lasted forever. It was broken by tiny giggles, when the happiness just couldn’t be contained anymore, and then continued with determination and care. During the kiss Even removed Isak’s clothes, and kicked his own jeans away, and when Isak finally pressed his naked body lightly against Even’s they both gasped.

“I fucking love you”, Isak whispered.

“I fucking know”, Even replied. Then they started kissing again.

Even’s fingers traveled lower and lower. They touched Isak’s hip bone, then his groin, then they pulled back to his ribs. After the third time Isak grumbled.

“Make up your fucking mind already!”

Even chuckled and grabbed Isak’s dick. Fucking yes, a million times. Even moved his hand up and down, pumping him, Isak pushed his hips in that rhythm and moaned. He couldn’t remember the last time he had a handjob from someone else, but he was certain it hadn’t been this awesome.

Isak tried to kiss Even back when he was jerking him off, but his lips stumbled into moans regularly. Even’s tongue slipped in and out of his mouth, their breathing mixed together, all of Isak’s being gathered closer and closer to his dick, throbbing in Even’s hand.

He should’ve said that he was going to come. But he couldn’t, he was too focused on the orgasm building up inside him. Though Even probably knew perfectly well how close he was, and he absolutely knew what he was doing. He was glistening with precum, he was pulsing, radiating, he cried out when he came into Even’s hand.

“Mother..fucker..” Isak uttered, gasping for breath. He didn’t know if his eyes were open or closed, but he saw stars.

Even found  a tissue from the nightstand and cleaned his hand. He laid next to Isak, glowing, he was very pleased with himself and his performance. For a fucking reason. Isak laughed, it was short and silent and exhilarated, then he turned to kiss Even again.

They were at it the whole night. Isak came, Even came, they both came, again and again. Even’s fingers worked their magic inside Isak, Isak fucked Even so slowly it was near torture, they kissed and licked and sucked each other practically everywhere and when the room filled with morning light they were finally spent.

“That’s new”, Even said and pointed at a huge poster. It read GO HOMO OR GO HOME in neon orange letters.

Isak chuckled, his voice hoarse from moaning and screaming, and nestled up closer to Even.

“Subtle, isn’t it?”

Even nodded.

“Indeed. I like it when a piece of art forces you to really think about its message.”

Isak sighed. This was so nice. He really wanted to stay here, next to Even, resting his head on his shoulder, forever. But there were two lists that disagreed. And the world. And life. But at least this time Isak knew how to not handle this. He knew not to leave either of them alone to fend for themselves.

“Even,” Isak whispered. “I think I’m ready now.”

Even turned on his side, facing Isak. His smile had a hue of sadness.

“I’m listening.”


	12. Therapy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final reflection.

Isak raised his eyes from the October issue of Cosmo when the door opened. Camilla greeted him with a soft smile.

“Come on in”, she said, not saying Isak’s name on purpose. He put the magazine away, stood up and walked into the room.

Camilla sat down to her chair, opposite of Isak’s. She glanced at her notes.

“How has your week been?”

Isak took a deep breath in. Then he breathed out.

“Interesting. Irregular.” He hadn’t been keeping his routines. He had been too busy.

“Would you like to tell me more?”

Isak looked at Camilla. She had crossed her legs, leaning back, relaxed. Isak admired her calmness and poise. And she was really beautiful, if you were into that.

“Why don’t you just ask what you want to know?”

Camilla rested her pad on her knee.

“Interesting. What do you mean?”

Isak squinted, defiantly.

“You want to know have I hurt myself this week. And you want to know about Even.”

Camilla nodded slowly.

“Do you want to talk about either of those things?”

Isak sighed. He wasn’t going to, but Camilla was right. He had some confessing to do, and talking to his therapist usually lightened the load on his chest.

“It’s just that. It was - would have been - me and Tom’s one year anniversary and it was a hard day.”

Camilla nodded again. She stayed silent, she let Isak collect his thoughts. Isak rolled his sleeve up, uncovering his wrist and four short cuts on it, side by side. Superficial cuts. He had been practising with fruit first, then with pieces of meat, and now he knew how to handle the blades.

“It helped”, Isak sighed, looking at the scars. Stroking them with his thumb. “I made one for Tom. One for Even. One for me, and one for good measure.”

“Was this the only time?”

Isak nodded. Camilla smiled at him, encouragingly.

“That’s a big step, Isak. Especially during the holidays, considering your history with them.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t know. I wanted to tell Even but I couldn’t. Eskild was out, too. So I..” Isak sighed. This was so fucking embarrassing and immature and stupid. “I took a picture and sent it to Tom. I don’t know why, I hadn’t talked to him since we broke up. I just wanted him to know.” Isak’s pitch got higher, dryer. “I wrote ‘happy anniversary’ and pressed send and then I wanted to take it back but it was too late.”

“How did Tom respond?”

“Thank god he didn’t.” Isak pulled his leg up on the chair, against his chest. Tom was many things, but he never did anything to deliberately hurt Isak. Isak pulled the sleeve back down, covering the marks.

“Even got a job yesterday”, he said. There was pride in his voice, and in his heart as well. His beautiful tormented boy got an actual job. “Only a part time gig, but he’s happy with it. His new medication seems to be working but a full time job would be a bit much, right?”

Camilla nodded.

“He’s been having a rough year as well.”

“Yeah. You could say that.” It felt a bit weird to talk about Even’s life with someone he didn’t know, but Camilla had confidentiality. She wouldn’t tell anybody. “But yeah, if you’d like a mean latte I recommend the Coffee Hut downtown.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

Isak pulled out a piece of paper from his pocket. It was worn out and battered from being carried along for months, but it was still in one piece. A bit like Isak himself, actually, he noted. He unfolded it. It was a used envelope with writing on the backside.

“I have this in my phone too. But it feels more..I don’t know, real? When I’m holding the original list.” The list of reasons why he can’t have a romantic relationship with Even. He turned it around and showed it to Camilla. “Already halfway there. If Even keeps his job until summer I get to cross one more item over.”

“How about your own list?” Camilla asked. Isak touched his wrist instinctively.

“It’s..a work in progress. I’m hoping to check something off it soon as well.”

Camilla made a note on her pad and lowered it again.

“You know what, Isak? I think you will. You have made very good progress these past months, regardless of some relapses. Do you feel like you’re taking back control of your life and actions? Because to me it really seems like you are.”

Isak pondered for a moment. How was he doing, really? He had hurt himself again this week, but only once, and for kind of a reason. He had built healthier coping mechanisms. He went out again, saw other people, had fun, there were days when he was actually happy. Sure, he was exhausted after those days, but still, they existed. He had gotten used to his medication and the side effects had worn off. He was starting to come to terms with his shame.

“Yes”, Isak finally said. “I do.”

It felt like a turning point. It was weird and enormous and small and horrible and wonderful at the same time. It was like a switch was flicked and something was started. He was running, operating, working. There still was a lot of work to do, but now he could actually start doing it properly.

“What are you thinking about?” Camilla asked.

Isak smiled a little.

“The future.”

After the session Isak stepped out on the street. It was cold, and a few small flakes of snow floated down from the black sky. Isak took his phone out and gave it a couple of taps.

CALLING  
Even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The sequel to this story in Even's POV can be found here: <https://archiveofourown.org/works/13961118/chapters/32139867>


End file.
